Listening 20
times to same song in a trance like state and singing to release emotions,
Thoughts’ turmoil
and feelings troubling my mind,
Sometimes
all I need is a muse, but this feels like an aborted heartbreak, a liquid
breach in my soul, flowing down the lagoon, clear, and saline like the Baltic Sea
water. I can’t stop looking into the light playing over the moving surface,
back and forth just like my thoughts, should I or not? These visions of my life
look so real and so illusionary at the same time that I can’t stop doubting
that truth could ever exist. Even my own image is ebbing and flooding, my unstable
self is lost somewhere in translation between what was and what is real.
When almost
everyone is gulping happily a vision of the future that has been designed by
some external media, I frown in disgust and stop looking. I may keep my eyes
open and see, yet my awareness is directed towards my taste. Do I like this or
that? Do I prefer these or those? Where do I want to be? Who do I really want
to hug? What is it that I really would like to do if I were totally free?
No I don’t
really question myself rather I visualise what feels good, nice and
pleasurable. I overindulge in my fantasized hedonist inner paradise. The more I
daydreamed, the more I could see how it would look like. And from these first
images my imagination built scenarios which would get modified with acquired
experience and painful mistakes. I don’t question myself but I adjust the
parameters of the dream world.
xx