Listening 20 times to same song in a trance like state and singing to release emotions,
Thoughts’ turmoil and feelings troubling my mind,
Sometimes all I need is a muse, but this feels like an aborted heartbreak, a liquid breach in my soul, flowing down the lagoon, clear, and saline like the Baltic Sea water. I can’t stop looking into the light playing over the moving surface, back and forth just like my thoughts, should I or not? These visions of my life look so real and so illusionary at the same time that I can’t stop doubting that truth could ever exist. Even my own image is ebbing and flooding, my unstable self is lost somewhere in translation between what was and what is real.
When almost everyone is gulping happily a vision of the future that has been designed by some external media, I frown in disgust and stop looking. I may keep my eyes open and see, yet my awareness is directed towards my taste. Do I like this or that? Do I prefer these or those? Where do I want to be? Who do I really want to hug? What is it that I really would like to do if I were totally free?
No I don’t really question myself rather I visualise what feels good, nice and pleasurable. I overindulge in my fantasized hedonist inner paradise. The more I daydreamed, the more I could see how it would look like. And from these first images my imagination built scenarios which would get modified with acquired experience and painful mistakes. I don’t question myself but I adjust the parameters of the dream world.