May 25, 2007

one endless day

I got aroundup 5AM, I had such a nice early talk today, I had in mind somethings, but discovered much more interesting things...and i have been thinking about these topics all day...
Lifestyles and relationships...I realised how my choices were so far from the usual "suburban family model life", mine were more those of the alternative urbans, single, partying, free, and environement friendly.
I have allways felt special for her, strangely she came just the day before, or I may have felt I needed to see her, and feel that I liked her tatoo. I may love more her views about "no children, we are too many on the planet"!!
I took time for myself, alone with my thoughts, enjoying the day, fueled by my early talk with my soul mate. I'm reading currently this philosophy book about relationships, the more I reead, the more I know I'm not supposed to be ashamed of my feelings. But I won't open my heart too early to anyone, these thoughts are too precious to be spoilt! So I shared my excitment about a quote with my dear philosophe friend, he disagreed as usual...he's not a soul mate, but my opposite mate! I feel bound anyhow, we need each other to make our thoguhts eveolved and richer. I guess no one can be complete without others. I felt so light and uplifted the full day, men have been staring a lot at me; because that pleasure on my face could be read as I enjoyed some nice long sex night! true thinking can be the orgasm by ideas...But as a woman whose feminine attraction am I trying to reach in the search of oceanic feeling? my lost mother, or my narcissic self? I guess we're fused, same smile, same long hair, same blond hair. Am I not called her name somtimes? ya...
but the evening was weirdest: i got an email from my bf, telling me it's over.I was on phone with a friend, she tried to talk to make think about somthing diferent, but that could not help.As I was crying too much I stopped talking, and chatted online.Then this friday i had 4 male friends online, and hopefully they all supported me! No, guys are not that bad...It's just our expectations that can't be met, and it's deceiving soon. I placed too many hopes on only one person that I didn't know so well.
I analysed the situation quickly, but i have already a key to understand. My world is full of interactions, I live by and for my ideas, they are fed through meetings, and feelings, this fuels and is fueled by my curiosity.This is rather cheap (except travels somtimes), and that can't be bought, so money has a poor value to me, but time is a core and precious element of my life, the most time i devote to an activity or a person, the more that means for me. I expect friends to be the same, and devote time to me as a proof of their interest in me. But his core values was social status, and money, these are foreign concept for me! So we could not understand each other to the core anyway, attraction is blind, but it doesn't last long..especially for some tired busy people! but i guess i'm still too young to feel it!

I remember someone told me, only those people who never experienced moeny problems could feel as free toward money as I do...true, I've never had any problem, because as soon as I feel money could be a problem, I automaticall adjust y lifestyle to a poorer one, but as I believe more in people, this is not a problem for me!

So I woke up at 5AM...but it's already 1.40AM the next day, and I haven't slept! I have had only a light diner too!(one avocado), so this day is unforgetable, totally unfogetable, it doesn't seem to end, and i forgot m primary needs, to my ideas. I'll go to sleep, shut down my brain for a while, and hope tomorow won't be too much disappointing!