Loner

4 years gone with the wind

4 years and any feelings remain

4 years of vain mistakes and forgotten promises

4 years and all has to be done, again but well.

Anger is such a bad counselor,

Self pity a misleading path;

I am worth more than a torn ego.

I shall wander alone, sometimes

Never lament nor beg, anytime

Allways love and give, mindfully

Nurture joy and exam, carefully.

x.

Fineland

Fineland elating bouts of passion

Billion stars enticing my delusion

Alluring Northern nights in unison.

When my heart gets broken in a zillion flares

They emit so much love it's intoxicating

Pulsating hope outward, or so he dares.

Darkened attraction on the edge of sanity

Don't offer your lips or we could slip

Stay within a corner of thoughts variety.

x.

Assassin

There is an assassin in my head
Drink that poison with passion
He whispers tenderly from within
And I drank to the last drop, bitter
She wants me and I remember her
All wet and giggly squeezing my chin

There is an assassin in my head
Vivacious rest, audacious norms
Precarious debt, luscious bareness
She-male begetting nightmares
Naked elf under the storm, skinny
Darkened eponym of my inner child

Into the wild

Confusion, dullness,

 if only they stopped asking what I don't wanna give,

let me go. Relapse time.

Wanna shy away because you remind me of prospective realities, 

and honestly I just wanna dream, alone, far.

I like being that foreign stranger no one knows,

I can wander alone and never being asked who I am or why I live,

 because I'm no one, and I live for nothing, 

but these answers hurt so I don't wanna talk,

 hence if you don't talk my language, I love you.

Alone lies danger, would I survive? 

I guess that's why no one ever let me go.

Hence I'm never asking.

Now I bitterly regret my cowardliness, 

I shall never live incongruently again, 

the sorrow to have to live more is even greater.

Everything has an end, even dreams, even hope, even life.

I wished I were anywhere else

No I'm never coming back, as hard as it may have been to tell, it's true.
Obviously some people took it personally, and that had made it even harder to explain.
I disliked the place, not the people, but some only.

I'm forever gone. This reality has not dawned yet upon me, fully.
Nonetheless any time I look outside I can't ignore it, I'm not there any more.
I can't feel any relief, though the panic is definitly gone.

My flight instinct has gotten worse, shutting down even the most basic polite goodbye words inside my shy mind. But honestly it's neither the first, nor the last time, I'm afraid.

It's so frightening, any glimpse of an image remind me I lived wrong. And it's no surprise I wish I were you. I'm so sadened to wear all around me memories of what has not meant to be.

And as a reminder of untouchable dreams you've made me cry so much that I felt like hiding away, disapearing, never be seen any more, even by me.
Somehow I want these days to end, now and forever.

You let me see that there is nowhere else, and I want nothing else but to find refuge with you.
Does that mean? '"Rescue me", maybe.

Careless

Singing like a bird, mending my wounds.

Spreading my wings, past aches are gone.

I love the pain I feel as I grow and heal.

I'm therefore free to fly and run, again.

I love that feeling, no I'm hooked actually.

Youth sweetness, softness, carelesness.

I let go of chores and errands, burdens

Stripped from stuff, free of fluff.

Torn contracts, burnt fake promises

Neither lured into bling paradise

Nor fooled into ruthless sharkpools.

Youthful bounty, radiating energy.

My other half

I lived with you for so long, I can't even remember when.

I tried to gently kiss you goodbye but you are again.

So this time I decided to trash you down the drain.

You robbed my vanity, now you threaten my sanity.

Let me go insane, but don't take me down the limbs.

Numb as your voice, void is rapturing, nothingness.

The more I strip you, the less I feel, lightheaded.

Afraid to let me fly, I am nevertheless free, still alive.

x

Jalna

When everything seem upsetting, 

when I get angry, when I feel only despair,

 if no end arise from my trouble, 

when I'm stuck in lamentations and worries,

 I turn to you.

Lush grasslands

Playful crystal clear rivers

Blue sunny sky

Cathedrals of trees

Teenage dream

Blue dandelion, his eyes entail passion
Golden sparkle of dawn upon me
Green leaps and hopes of wilderness
Salty deep kisses and lenghty foreplays
Juicy berry candy deep echoing
Skipped heartbeats from his stares
Messy long hair fondling over my neck
Soft bare cheeks stroking my lips
Wanna drop my holed used jeans
And f*ck in sync with loads of guitars

soundtrack

Euphoria

There are times when I feel like the world belongs to me. There are times when I feel my lucky star is by my side and nothing could possibly go wrong. There are times when I took decisions so lightly that my life seem even not important although these are times when I enjoy it most. There are times when I feel creative, aweful, blissful, lustful, light as a feather, dancing and running all over the world, driven by an insastiable desire to discover, explore and think.
Then is euphoria, some say hypomania.

When do I really fall back onto the dark side of the moon? Why do I sometime recede back into melancholia, apathy, undecideness, some say depression? I recall those times when it happened: period, pill, pregnancy, so it's obviously triggered by progesterone. This might explain why I feared so much not only periods and pregnancy, but mostly progesterone pills. And no I was wrong it's not pain that was the most fearful but that dullness of life, when everything is grey, blurred, tasteless, tiring and scary.

Path to nihilism

When I feel like giving up, I strive hard to try again.
Love is when outside the naked truth, the bare reality is sharper, but we fear no cut for any blood given as it would not hurt but heal.
Behind a million stars I get no gold and it makes me happier.
Doubting one's own congruence makes one come closer to self.
Ego recedes truly when delusions are washed away by peace.
The more I look at the core, the more I feel, the less I fear, the less I feel like owning.

But when all is gone I allways wonder why leaving something, one thing, anything about me?

self limitations

I used to make vows: never get into debt, never smoke nor use drugs, don't drink alcohol, don't drive, never fool. These are my taboos.

I was reminded why it helped forge who I am, free, by this little quote:
"freedom lies in self limitation".

Indeed since I started my minimalist journey I have given up so many things by limitating my wants.
Actually it started with material possessions, it turned to financial aspirations, then my mind bysiness receded and my attention got focused on a few desirable topic.

At some point I had stripped so much from my outer clutter that I could see very clear inside.
Suddenly my lifestyle changed dramatically and my own body too.

Chameleon

That ability is quite confortable: fast learner, good imitator, we fit well in most settings, if only we don't put bad mood into it.
The chameleon can seem to be anything as long as the model taken as a miror is flattering.

But the more the game lasts the more we risk to loose ourselves. After years of playing the best student, the model employee, the devoted wife, the sucessful enterpreneur, who are we?
The desire to know more is never far from spying, the urge to control so close to manipulating, and the weak too easily fooled.

Any power is dangerous when not neatly focused on a wise use. A deep self introspection is required to remain true to ourselves. The most powerful brain we have, the longest meditation we have to perform.

Mind Body connection

My hot issue for these past 7 months, since I turned this place into a journal.
I miss so deeply my dead friend, which I feel indebted to very much for having raised my awareness to an advanced level by showing me an example without lectures.

Any withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm still doubtful about the role of corticoid and or AINS on decreasing my present inflammation problems. Although my liver is clearly toxic from that short hospital stay (yellow/gray undertones), I have fully recovered on a skin level. So I suppose I'm doing all right physically.

I haven't tamed these sparkles of energy, passion, impulse or rage of life that ignited my mind as I unleashed androgens. They have actually driven me back in time, very early in teenage years when I could both get excited strongly about novelty, and wait quietly in awe while time unfolds.

Meanwhile getting hooked again on training fueled a desire to not only live as I did, but also look just the same as when I had this dopamine load in my veins. So I packed impulsivly close to nothing, headed up North, got back to school, spoke a mix of English and Scandinavian, and had some (alcohol free) beers.

It took a while before I could finally see myself again, but it only reinforced the feeling of deja vu. Then I strived harder to sculpt myself as I used to. But only fools keep doing the same mistakes hoping for a different outcome. So I altered the recipe on a deeper level: I trust myself, I am bolder than ever so I won't say no to opportunities out of fear once again.

And yes I acknowledge that grief is important, some wounds can not heal but emotional attachment do not have to be materially based, ever.

I can not be certain it will prevent me from falling, again, but my vacation from reality is definitly over. I have replaced everything I hated by something I love.

And this love shall guide me forever.

x

Lackluster

Dim winter light dancing on wet leaves

Reddish late survivors of fall

Evedrops tantalizing life impulse

I soak into morning's glory.

Bleary hangovers celebrating win

Murky power sluggishly coming out

Prospective realities drag me here

By a seducive tone, ever more gloomy.

Blurred is your face, faded is your voice

Faint is your shake, tenebrously charming

As a cloudy winter day, my dull heart

Captured in your ill defined lusty nets.

Borderline

Crossing the highwire between our souls

A step back to nihilists apsirations

A step towards your radiant embrace

Clock is ticking but they all seem to ignore

I made a wish, my blood tied to death

I promised to go smoothly when it's over

A higher wave, a salter sea, a windier day

Will wash me away if you eat my hopes

Already my tongue is sealed, dessicated eyes.

Night Fantasy

Emotional wound

Wet pearls abound

Loneliness erased

Suddenly united

I wanna feel the chill of night

The black tropical Pacific sky

And marvel at billion faint stars

I wanna kiss you goodnight

And fall soflty in the sand

Listening to windy palms

The English comeback

Feels like I'm back to England

As if time had looped backwards

Those chills, these ales, and eyes.

My old black jacket and high heels,

Long blond hair that attracts one liners

My party girldfriends and my diet.

It's a carefree socialite mindset

That I have missed for too long

I'm kissing back salty rain and wind.

Reptilian Brain

When dusk sets in my vision turns blurred

Some dust gets in my heart and i miss you

I feel lonely, frightened and cold

Where are your warming arms?

The poisonous sting of your kisses

Enamoured I feel ready just for you.

Windy daily thoughts

Under the wind, bend as willow,

In hardhips, flow as water.

Fluid is never hard to catch, but to keep

Autumn bluish darkness turned my emptiness into sharp loneliness.

I love my browser because he speaks Swedish to me.

Be cute, smile to me,

Be bold, invite me.