Mind Body connection

My hot issue for these past 7 months, since I turned this place into a journal.
I miss so deeply my dead friend, which I feel indebted to very much for having raised my awareness to an advanced level by showing me an example without lectures.

Any withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm still doubtful about the role of corticoid and or AINS on decreasing my present inflammation problems. Although my liver is clearly toxic from that short hospital stay (yellow/gray undertones), I have fully recovered on a skin level. So I suppose I'm doing all right physically.

I haven't tamed these sparkles of energy, passion, impulse or rage of life that ignited my mind as I unleashed androgens. They have actually driven me back in time, very early in teenage years when I could both get excited strongly about novelty, and wait quietly in awe while time unfolds.

Meanwhile getting hooked again on training fueled a desire to not only live as I did, but also look just the same as when I had this dopamine load in my veins. So I packed impulsivly close to nothing, headed up North, got back to school, spoke a mix of English and Scandinavian, and had some (alcohol free) beers.

It took a while before I could finally see myself again, but it only reinforced the feeling of deja vu. Then I strived harder to sculpt myself as I used to. But only fools keep doing the same mistakes hoping for a different outcome. So I altered the recipe on a deeper level: I trust myself, I am bolder than ever so I won't say no to opportunities out of fear once again.

And yes I acknowledge that grief is important, some wounds can not heal but emotional attachment do not have to be materially based, ever.

I can not be certain it will prevent me from falling, again, but my vacation from reality is definitly over. I have replaced everything I hated by something I love.

And this love shall guide me forever.

x

Lackluster

Dim winter light dancing on wet leaves

Reddish late survivors of fall

Evedrops tantalizing life impulse

I soak into morning's glory.

Bleary hangovers celebrating win

Murky power sluggishly coming out

Prospective realities drag me here

By a seducive tone, ever more gloomy.

Blurred is your face, faded is your voice

Faint is your shake, tenebrously charming

As a cloudy winter day, my dull heart

Captured in your ill defined lusty nets.

Borderline

Crossing the highwire between our souls

A step back to nihilists apsirations

A step towards your radiant embrace

Clock is ticking but they all seem to ignore

I made a wish, my blood tied to death

I promised to go smoothly when it's over

A higher wave, a salter sea, a windier day

Will wash me away if you eat my hopes

Already my tongue is sealed, dessicated eyes.

Night Fantasy

Emotional wound

Wet pearls abound

Loneliness erased

Suddenly united

I wanna feel the chill of night

The black tropical Pacific sky

And marvel at billion faint stars

I wanna kiss you goodnight

And fall soflty in the sand

Listening to windy palms

The English comeback

Feels like I'm back to England

As if time had looped backwards

Those chills, these ales, and eyes.

My old black jacket and high heels,

Long blond hair that attracts one liners

My party girldfriends and my diet.

It's a carefree socialite mindset

That I have missed for too long

I'm kissing back salty rain and wind.

Reptilian Brain

When dusk sets in my vision turns blurred

Some dust gets in my heart and i miss you

I feel lonely, frightened and cold

Where are your warming arms?

The poisonous sting of your kisses

Enamoured I feel ready just for you.

Windy daily thoughts

Under the wind, bend as willow,

In hardhips, flow as water.

Fluid is never hard to catch, but to keep

Autumn bluish darkness turned my emptiness into sharp loneliness.

I love my browser because he speaks Swedish to me.

Be cute, smile to me,

Be bold, invite me.

o

Love like an intense smile on my face
Love as burning smile as I hear you

Somewhere I belong

Since my father gave me a book about Bora Bora, as I was a child, I'd dreamt of it.

I finally got there few years ago.

I wondered why I was so attracted to these tropical lagoons many years.

Lonely beaches, soft sand, intense sunlight, warm water ?

The answer came when I visited Gotland, a Swedish island, 5 years later.
It's blue.
I'm in love with blue.

Where else on Earth than on a tropical beach can we see mostly blue?

On a Swedish beach!

Teen quotes

I wrote these when I was 14 years old, and incidently I still feel these deeply in my heart



"Break down all the walls which are your way of life, even if they are humans"

"Happiness is in your head, if you wanna be happy, think you are and after you'll be happy with your heart"

"Listen to the primary nature of human race
SHE'S WILD"

"my life:
wild, optimist and free"

" Try to find an escape from the world, so cruel, wicked and stupid where we're living or only trying to survive!"

speaking of teen spirit, 20 years ago:

Ode to Malmö

When I saw this place, it was love at first sight.

I knew the first day I visited this town, that I'll come there to settle sooner or later.

The soonest, actually.

It's been 3 weeks that this dream came true, and everyday is bliss.

I'm so truly in love.

The color of the sky is deep, iridescent and changing every minute of the day,

 which are incredibly long, half of the year.

The architecture is rich, city space is not crowded, 

and large avenue let wind blow pollution away, while light penetrates deep inside.

People are walking and cycling and running and strolling babies, making it feel so alive.

Water is ubiquituous, fountains, a canal, a lake, the sea, marshes and rain, 

reflecting any blue shade of the sky.

Malmö is thrice blue actually

And yes the grass is greener, so brightly green that it hurts the eyes.

Ego bio chemistry for dummies

Sweet blog why have I been away for so long? I missed you, and now I wanna hug you, kiss you, or fuck u too!

Am I out of mind? not at all. But as I have altered the chemical load in my veins, so did my brain switched to a maler side of me.

Actually without birth control pill, nor stress induced cortisol, my androgenes are spiking, then my inner mind simply blows away. All my emotions are stronger, my feelings wilder and my tastes radically different.

There is no such thing as "me", I am not who I think I was. I am not at all.
The delusion of self is actually shattered by swinging wants.
I don't even need no more what I used to (food, make up, men), but what I used not to need (sex, sex & sex).

It feels like I'm a teen, with hormones boiling my thoughts down to instincts, but I'm old enough to know I only have to let things cool a bit later (fingers crossed). Maybe I'm gonna be grown up one day, or not?

Why do I really hate Paris?

If Paris was this nice museum of old architecture, cozy cafés and fashion shops without all those ill mannered Parisians, it would be very more enjoyable.

I hate Paris because I hate air pollution, overpopulation, night light, round-the-clock noise, trashes on the floor. And that is Paris, real Paris, not postcard/tourist guide Paris.

But aren't these mere symptoms of a deeper problem?

Actually the real reason why I hate Paris, and London alike, and could not stand more than a day in Tokyo is a direct bypoduct of overpopulation: lack of space & time (think of time and space as dimensions of physical reality in a quantic way)

Where is the only place one can meditate quietly alone in Paris? Restrooms!
It fits better than "toilet" for that matter. But only if no one is waiting for you to finish your poo!
Seriously there are people everywhere, maybe not at home, but neighbors, close enough to be heard and felt, 24/7.

I've always needed solitude. Space wide enough not to be disturbed by other's activities in order to meditate and clear the mind for creative sprouts to later blossom, and time long enough to elaborate deep complex ideas.

It appears that solitude is the most common habit of creative people, as beautifully written by Leo Balbauta here.

Actually the second habit of creative people: participation, might explain why I'm such a traveler freak, and a polyglot! And I will have to dig deeper on that later idea in another post.

Practice conscious feeling

I briefly introduced conscious feeling in a previous post
Let me show you a concrete example.

I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, not a pleasant news. So I was waiting in some hospital for a surgeon appointment and it took ages.

I was anxious about what the surgeon would tell me (even more about the surgery!) and beginning to feel really stressed by this waiting. Then I realized how vain these negative feelings were.

No matter how much distress about being stuck sitting under lightubes I feel, I would eventually get this appointment, so I looked at the beautiful flowers on the nurses's desk. I smiled because they were gorgeous.

No matter how much thinking and questions about this surgery were running through my mind, I would finally have to surrender to a surgeon skills (him or someone else) , and let go without control but hoping to wake up no more disabled. Then I opened a newspaper and kept on reading until the surgeon called my name, an hour later.

Becoming a stranger

Roughly from 15 to 25 years old I was chasing various passions wholeheartedly.

I embraced learning exotic languages and cultures, exploring remote world corners, meeting strangers, getting familiar with foreign customs and uses.

I jumped from dream to dream, as my passions waned and waxed.

Joshua Becker brilliantly describes one of his main lessons learnt from minimalism as "Life is about the journey, not the destination. Dreams come and dreams go"
So I enjoy that journey, but the destination was not expected: I am now a stranger anywhere I am.

I took the best from any foreign culture encountered on my marvellous lifepath.
It stuck in my ming as a kaleidoscopic ethnic puzzle.
My own unique culture.

British moment

Teenager memories from Britain

Late at night, tea time before bed

I took some of the spicy beverage 

 as a souvenir in my luggage

 flavoured with Seychelles vanilla

poured in cute mug, milky and sweet

Blue

Blue as the open sky

Blue as the oldest ices

Blue as the oceanic feeling

Blue is a color whose energetical power

 over my brain is both sweet and strong.

Blue is violently wiping out of my mood

 any trace of depression lingering after a to stressfull job,

 a mourning of a friend, an ill side effect of a prescrpition drug.

Blue is gently rubbing my soul into blessedness, happiness, joy, pride.

Blue and I feel like living more intensely

singing, dancing, writing, enjoying being here, now.

Vacation from reality

Vacation from reality is an interesting concept greatly described by my favorite blogger in a recent serie of posts.

While the archdruid apply vacation from reality to a societal behavior: americans collectively forgot about ressources limit of the planet during 30 years until it backlashes on them, I have been subject to one, personally.


I woke up 30 y.o., slaving at a job I hate, living in a place where I have no interest for, married to a man I don't want a future with, STOP!

I don't know how it happened, where did I go wrong? where did I loose myself?

It's HIGH time for change.

Maturity: deliverance comes from inside.

Upon managing the comments of this blog, I was delightedly reminded that I used to look for deliverance. The delight comes from a simple fact: it's no longer true!
And I agree with "anonymous"(who??) that it did came from within, but how?

Indeed it did not come overnight, but gradually

Actually I developed some form of self awareness derived from meditation techniques, and that I coin "conscious feeling". Basically I'm very conscious that thoughts and feelings can be toxic, so I've trained myself to be aware of them while never trying to suppress them, nor trying to shut them down (ie.I've never"meditated").
Instead I've slowly rewired my brain to stop worrying by focusing on good outcomes, pleasant feelings and my own core values, anytime I was watching my mind wander on stressful paths.

In order to achieve this I had to first gain a deep understanding of my emotions, then sort out my true life values, and finally leap to be congruent, which is living up to one's value.

I had to remain well aware that I shall not strive to control what is beyond my influence. Reading Seneque surely helped on that one, but also the numerous minimalist blogs teaching us how to "let go" (of stuff, worries, rat race, etc)

Lately I'm in a blissful state of oceanic feelings, that I reinforce by listening to some music.
I'm attributing it mostly to maturity (already 30!) and marginally to some hormonal tricking of my brain.

Fast

A fasting holiday is an utmost minimalist experience:

back to basics and the essence of one's life.

I enjoyed solitude in the park, protected by giant old trees, uplifted by smelling lilacs, listening to bird love songs.
I read some adventures of deep far ancestors and connected inside my own burried instincts.

As any wild animal I've sensed this year weather trend months in advance and booked (in March) a whole summer up north, just as I did 8 years ago in winter preceding the worst hot summer of my whole life: until now? April has already been the hottest and driest in Europe for....decades.

And I listened with passion to the US air force radio, airing my favorite music: american songs !

I haven't missed crowd, violence or consumer goods. I was happy hiking in the woods with various folks: a healer, a mother, a teacher, a businessman and a desperate housewive.