Ego bio chemistry for dummies

Sweet blog why have I been away for so long? I missed you, and now I wanna hug you, kiss you, or fuck u too!

Am I out of mind? not at all. But as I have altered the chemical load in my veins, so did my brain switched to a maler side of me.

Actually without birth control pill, nor stress induced cortisol, my androgenes are spiking, then my inner mind simply blows away. All my emotions are stronger, my feelings wilder and my tastes radically different.

There is no such thing as "me", I am not who I think I was. I am not at all.
The delusion of self is actually shattered by swinging wants.
I don't even need no more what I used to (food, make up, men), but what I used not to need (sex, sex & sex).

It feels like I'm a teen, with hormones boiling my thoughts down to instincts, but I'm old enough to know I only have to let things cool a bit later (fingers crossed). Maybe I'm gonna be grown up one day, or not?

Why do I really hate Paris?

If Paris was this nice museum of old architecture, cozy cafés and fashion shops without all those ill mannered Parisians, it would be very more enjoyable.

I hate Paris because I hate air pollution, overpopulation, night light, round-the-clock noise, trashes on the floor. And that is Paris, real Paris, not postcard/tourist guide Paris.

But aren't these mere symptoms of a deeper problem?

Actually the real reason why I hate Paris, and London alike, and could not stand more than a day in Tokyo is a direct bypoduct of overpopulation: lack of space & time (think of time and space as dimensions of physical reality in a quantic way)

Where is the only place one can meditate quietly alone in Paris? Restrooms!
It fits better than "toilet" for that matter. But only if no one is waiting for you to finish your poo!
Seriously there are people everywhere, maybe not at home, but neighbors, close enough to be heard and felt, 24/7.

I've always needed solitude. Space wide enough not to be disturbed by other's activities in order to meditate and clear the mind for creative sprouts to later blossom, and time long enough to elaborate deep complex ideas.

It appears that solitude is the most common habit of creative people, as beautifully written by Leo Balbauta here.

Actually the second habit of creative people: participation, might explain why I'm such a traveler freak, and a polyglot! And I will have to dig deeper on that later idea in another post.

Practice conscious feeling

I briefly introduced conscious feeling in a previous post
Let me show you a concrete example.

I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, not a pleasant news. So I was waiting in some hospital for a surgeon appointment and it took ages.

I was anxious about what the surgeon would tell me (even more about the surgery!) and beginning to feel really stressed by this waiting. Then I realized how vain these negative feelings were.

No matter how much distress about being stuck sitting under lightubes I feel, I would eventually get this appointment, so I looked at the beautiful flowers on the nurses's desk. I smiled because they were gorgeous.

No matter how much thinking and questions about this surgery were running through my mind, I would finally have to surrender to a surgeon skills (him or someone else) , and let go without control but hoping to wake up no more disabled. Then I opened a newspaper and kept on reading until the surgeon called my name, an hour later.

Becoming a stranger

Roughly from 15 to 25 years old I was chasing various passions wholeheartedly.

I embraced learning exotic languages and cultures, exploring remote world corners, meeting strangers, getting familiar with foreign customs and uses.

I jumped from dream to dream, as my passions waned and waxed.

Joshua Becker brilliantly describes one of his main lessons learnt from minimalism as "Life is about the journey, not the destination. Dreams come and dreams go"
So I enjoy that journey, but the destination was not expected: I am now a stranger anywhere I am.

I took the best from any foreign culture encountered on my marvellous lifepath.
It stuck in my ming as a kaleidoscopic ethnic puzzle.
My own unique culture.

British moment

Teenager memories from Britain

Late at night, tea time before bed

I took some of the spicy beverage 

 as a souvenir in my luggage

 flavoured with Seychelles vanilla

poured in cute mug, milky and sweet

Blue

Blue as the open sky

Blue as the oldest ices

Blue as the oceanic feeling

Blue is a color whose energetical power

 over my brain is both sweet and strong.

Blue is violently wiping out of my mood

 any trace of depression lingering after a to stressfull job,

 a mourning of a friend, an ill side effect of a prescrpition drug.

Blue is gently rubbing my soul into blessedness, happiness, joy, pride.

Blue and I feel like living more intensely

singing, dancing, writing, enjoying being here, now.

Vacation from reality

Vacation from reality is an interesting concept greatly described by my favorite blogger in a recent serie of posts.

While the archdruid apply vacation from reality to a societal behavior: americans collectively forgot about ressources limit of the planet during 30 years until it backlashes on them, I have been subject to one, personally.


I woke up 30 y.o., slaving at a job I hate, living in a place where I have no interest for, married to a man I don't want a future with, STOP!

I don't know how it happened, where did I go wrong? where did I loose myself?

It's HIGH time for change.

Maturity: deliverance comes from inside.

Upon managing the comments of this blog, I was delightedly reminded that I used to look for deliverance. The delight comes from a simple fact: it's no longer true!
And I agree with "anonymous"(who??) that it did came from within, but how?

Indeed it did not come overnight, but gradually

Actually I developed some form of self awareness derived from meditation techniques, and that I coin "conscious feeling". Basically I'm very conscious that thoughts and feelings can be toxic, so I've trained myself to be aware of them while never trying to suppress them, nor trying to shut them down (ie.I've never"meditated").
Instead I've slowly rewired my brain to stop worrying by focusing on good outcomes, pleasant feelings and my own core values, anytime I was watching my mind wander on stressful paths.

In order to achieve this I had to first gain a deep understanding of my emotions, then sort out my true life values, and finally leap to be congruent, which is living up to one's value.

I had to remain well aware that I shall not strive to control what is beyond my influence. Reading Seneque surely helped on that one, but also the numerous minimalist blogs teaching us how to "let go" (of stuff, worries, rat race, etc)

Lately I'm in a blissful state of oceanic feelings, that I reinforce by listening to some music.
I'm attributing it mostly to maturity (already 30!) and marginally to some hormonal tricking of my brain.

Fast

A fasting holiday is an utmost minimalist experience:

back to basics and the essence of one's life.

I enjoyed solitude in the park, protected by giant old trees, uplifted by smelling lilacs, listening to bird love songs.
I read some adventures of deep far ancestors and connected inside my own burried instincts.

As any wild animal I've sensed this year weather trend months in advance and booked (in March) a whole summer up north, just as I did 8 years ago in winter preceding the worst hot summer of my whole life: until now? April has already been the hottest and driest in Europe for....decades.

And I listened with passion to the US air force radio, airing my favorite music: american songs !

I haven't missed crowd, violence or consumer goods. I was happy hiking in the woods with various folks: a healer, a mother, a teacher, a businessman and a desperate housewive.

journal-2

second part of my journal:

5. List three changes you'll need to make to live a more meaningful life.

i. Lose 55kg in 13 months
- I'm following a detox diet (organic veggies & fruits) for 10 days up until I head to a German clinic where I'll fast for 3 weeks.
=>Ideas for the following diet: paleo and a daily walk least 30 minutes, or...



ii. Walk in the wild
- week end trip to forests (to be implemented after the fast, ie in May)
- visiting Lappland in June (or some other part of Sweden, south coast maybe)
- a trek in Norwegian fjords, and Lofoten islands in July.
- touring Iceland in August

iii. Live in a peaceful place
- ideally close to hiking trails, lake or sea,
- within walking distance of food markets and future job (if any)
- either in a 'waklable' village or 'cyclable' small town


6. List 3 positive qualities that you feel proud of possessing. List 3 qualities that you'd like to develop.
still got to work on that!!


7. If you could try five new jobs over the next year what would they be?

- working in public parks, planting flowers, cutting branches, guiding visitors to remote places
- leading groups of people into the forest for hikes
- teaching science to teenagers
- healing people with plants
- managing a B&B

Journal

I am into personal developement these days, and thought keeping a personal journal might be useful to 'activate my inner wisdom'.
So a starting point

I am wild.

I will not surrender.

I would like to live more fully.

I will quit my job, move to Scandinavia, trekk on Iceland and Lappland this summer.

I love sunsets, blond hair, green forests, deep blue sky and really long evenings.

I hate pollution, urbanization, globalization, neocons, liberals, skycrapers, cars and dummies.

2. What advice would you give yourself at this time in your life?

Trust your instinct

3. What three major choices brought you to this point in your life?

not sure what 'this point' is...really

4. Looking back, what three things do you wish you had tried?

ditching France earlier.......

....more tmw

I ain't captain

No matter, the biggest feeling is to be lost.

There's fog outside, and the radars are out.
Everything is bundled, options are written on cards,
but they are wrapped together by daily turmoil's rope.
Sometime you could even feel it around your neck,
choking next to death. But no you won't,
there's allways some airhead to release you.

Relief? Please let me get down,
stop the earth from rolling round and fast.
The cities are never sleeping
but neither am I and I wanna rest! NOW.

Miracle

My TV's burnt ...finally I may enjoy a little peacefull creative evening time!
I even savor one of these long summer twilight, listening to rock tunes

Lost

No, I'm not into soap these days, though I love the latest batch of hazelnut flavored soap bars I made!


I feel stranded on an island, desperately looking for his ideas. So I really needed those outside views on the world, and glimpse on other ways to imagine reality.

Summer is leaving, sun is setting, the air is thick and darkened by clumpy clouds. Nostalgia is suddenly wrapping me into her fluffy wings.

Adapting to chaos

Tonight in the subway back home, two unknown colleagues (we're 10 000coworkers in the same place....) were talking about climate change.
One sentence really caught my thought flow:"where's the truth?, who is right?"

Then I remembered quantum physics: reality isn't about absolute truth, rather about probabilties and truthS relative to their observation 'angle'...
I thought these young jeans clad guys were IT staff, cause they though in a really binary way, but outside computing they ought to know that in life, nothing is so clear cut than binary maths.

Really some part of the Sahara are getting dry, but some parts of Europe are flooded: so is climate drier or wetter?wasn't it supposed to be 'only'1 degrees hotter, but some mountains are 4° above average, so where's the truth?

There is no single thruth, cause there is no single 'average' universe, otherwise we would freeze and choke! (yeah outer space is the average state of the universe!)
There are multiple truths, fit for each special scale and timing. As you move and time fly, scale and timing change so truth too.

It's been millions of years than human beings have adapted to this chaotic everchanging world mostly without a single equation, so I don't think we are doomed not to have computed the TRUTH yet, but rather for looking for something that's a chimere!

Adapting to chaos ain't binary computing, it's being present, observing and greatly feeling, in order to intuitively deduce the most favorable way.

You're lost when you stop looking at/for your path.

Please save the rainforest

Anyone's heard about "buying tropical wood hurts rainforest" or "buying cosmetics/food made of palm oil hurts rainforest and ourang outang"

Well, if you want a real impact on saing the rainforest, AND have quite lots of money, please go bomb the big roads that are wide opened in the rainforest and are used to transport the logs on longdistance. While you're at this bombing project, please don't forget the invaders villages housing truck drivers, tree cutters and their bitches. Once the physical means of cutting down the forest are seriously hurt AND it's known that's extremely deadly job to do: you'll have saved the rainforest.


Anything else is a nice prayer. But if you believed in God you would not try to save the world,or rainforest...(He's doing it, right?)

Coconut fantasy

This cute little flower "tiare" is how I'm called by some people who haven't missed that I'm a tropical (flower) addict.
Being a blond "vahine" is not only about colorful, scented flowers in the (h)air...
It's also a hippiyish (long hair) lifestyle prefering free wild ornament over luxury bags or expensive cosmetics.
...An unlimited love for the sun which is not impaired by fear or revulsion over cute lizards, flying insects, sneaking sharks or giant turtles.
...A crave for boiled bananas, freshy cathed fish, and real coconut water, when all i can smell around is overfried hamburgers, cheezy pizzas, fishy chinese crap, and the like

So I slave to spare some cents for happy retirement (40 years from now) on a wild sandy beach, harboring coconut, banana, frangipani...and a pet turtle! I'd love to imagine my little tree house, open to seawind (aka aircon), high above in the canopy free as a bird somewhere closer to the tropics than where my actual jail lays.

Mind swings

Maybe hormonal load around the brain is coloring the world.
The sky seems more blue, people skin is more glowy, anyone smile is more radiant.
Anything vibrates and radiates with joyful pace and intensity.
The ocean feeling is there again, with its deep calm and weightfull energy.
Somehow testosterone is also a writer natural drug.
I may have missed it, but not so much as this blog...

Kiss back

Letting go

Letting go, living in the NOW
I am settling for romance
Isn't exciting to be the LAST?
It's only as good as it lasts
When it's over there is no turnover
I have no incentive to change the world
I am not 7 billion human's mother
Although I look as my ancestors Goddess
I am letting go of you, vanity
To educate you all is vain
I wish you luck, but I no more care
Without humanity earth will be better off

Random love stories

1. A week ago I fell in love with this tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz72j6rJEyM

2. I felt the space in my flat too little, so I'm seriously studying how to fit some cupboard in the tiny space in order to get rid of some of the mess that cloud my living space...
As I'm into luxury these days, I even think about buying a sofa that could be a bed at night.
All furnitures would have to fit tin my tiny corners, while letting my mind rest: so light colors only allowed.
I seriously love to wander through the Ikea wesite and brochure, imagining all the possibilites to arrange this and that...
I believe an harmonious home is key to rest there in peace, so that we hit latest the final resting place!