the arrow and the star

puzzling

2012-01-20T11:13:00.003-06:00

Assembling the puzzle, and digging deeper.
I've always had these thoughts, but I desperately failed to align my actions towards those dreams.
Let go of fear, any of them even before I'm old, because it's neither too late nor too early.
Did I really have to ask their permission? Did I really fear to upset them? always, so forget everyone it's more than an experiment, flashback.

Forgo the dead ends of fame, I really want to be alone there, on top of that sandhill, bordering that lake. My heart belongs to yellow sunsets, and wide stars, and beaches.
And run, jump, dance.

Let's face it, I don't fight because I forget myself when I'm hurt, and when I come back, I'm more destructive than weak. It was stupid to suggest that I could have disposable friends, because they are not, and I could never care.

Sadly I wish I had, so I'm doing it otherwise, but avoiding to talk is not the smartest way. Sure if they don't know know me I can't throw them out of my life carelessly. I should not shy away, shouldn't I?

All the love that we had, or not, when we were young determines how well we can, or can't, cope with our emotional transitions today. However out there people are all different, some loving, some indifferent, some hating, so we shall neither lose hope, nor trust too much: balance in everything!

Winter elope

2012-01-19T17:29:00.004-06:00

One more hesitation and dawn is gone. One more palpitation and my anger is undue. Clouded sky has glued my mood to the lowest extrem of the living scale.

She whispered loudly that I might not grant her life because I hate myself as much as her. Fair games are not played without love, and let the wind disperses my forgiveness. I exit the forlorn state of mind while running through the bare birches. I wonder if these slipery paths would subdue this cruel sorrow.

The stories we tell ourselves are limiting the infinite array of possibilities awaiting to unfold in our life spring. I had failed to sweetness, and adulterate the flavor of my thriteen self dreams, I owe to her to push boundaries harder. Hence I jumped over dead branches and acorns. Shall winter relinquish?

Eyes dew

2012-01-18T16:54:00.006-06:00

Thy slender running ghost, forever eyes dew,
My heart's missing love, unblossomed bud.
If I shall never know whose color is thy eyes,
Let my heart be thine when it has settled.

Wanton

2012-01-10T16:55:00.003-06:00

It lays, it creeps, it stinks.
What is it that budge my world, suddenly.
Two black roses, putrefied on your grave.
And my name, o what a facetious exit.
Purposelessly ending our tears in pain.

Shadow of life

2012-01-09T05:59:00.002-06:00

When I look beyond me there is no one else but me to love, and I find it so vain.
I want to shout, I hate you Narcisse.

Grooming myself is a torture, because as my face looks more and more like me, I can't help but thinking why I don't see you beside me in the mirror.

Every bit is so hard to swallow, because fueling this life can only make sorrow deeper, longer and happiness feels like a more and more distant memory.

Anything I do I wonder what for, as I know it will not bring you back, the shining lamp that casted warmth over my future.

I thread the limbs in the dark, so lonely.

Ignite

2011-12-29T17:30:00.003-06:00

Holding on
Savannah, resonates like a Southern city, a porn star and an African dream.

Cracking jokes
I ignited the matches, sparked a laugh, lighthearted

No I don't wanna go to rehab, No I don't wanna get serious

Puddle of mud
I wanna play hide and seek, push you in a puddle of mud, and erase, all these years, all these scars

Strip but not tease,
Strip my heart from its crushes, strip my face bare, strip my body to the bones

And she's lingering, ambiguous, a wet dream emerging from the only desirable sea

Dissolved
Like the sun set in the sea, like the day behind Northern lights, like my hopes

Disposable
like us, them and everything without a name, let's be unique and never fit a contract, or a label, a brand or a title.

Cedar palace

2011-12-21T14:38:00.004-06:00

Once upon a time, a little cloud taught me some strange ways and poverty lesson. I never forgot them even in the finest palace, even in luxury.
I've stopped counting springs since I shut the door at its smile and I still feel it was yesterday.
I traveled til the very source remember vividly the elegant cedars encroached on the improbable slops, emerging above the clouds. When I picture these rivers, flows of tears allways surround me, but less rapid than my longings for those valley.

I patiently listened to those unglorious fleeing stories after twilight, and got lost.

Sometimes teary, sometimes laughing, never far from those we left along the way, allways wishing to be there, to see yous, once again.

Invocation

2011-12-19T12:25:00.002-06:00

Like a shaman prayer sung towards the deep winter night sky
I cry out for the sun to return, and burn candles of hope.
Epiphanies quickly dawned upon me with a glimpse of maybes
and a lingering taste of dejavu ironically in your eyes.
But where I look farther inside, I can really see nobody but me,
because I'll never want from you nothing else than mine.
Like an oyster solidly attached to its rock sips nothing but seawater,
I can't get enough of reassuring and mirroring hymns on your lips.

Anonymous

2011-12-19T11:55:00.002-06:00

Bequeathed golden star
Unblessed silver spoon

Feareality

2011-12-17T16:15:00.004-06:00

Glimpse of feareality, thrilled,
Numbed is success, flawless dream
Moonlike face and its lakes,
Stroked ego, tantamount playground
Addictive child, sunkissed picture.
x.

French

2011-12-14T10:02:00.004-06:00

x.After a few months of voluntary exile, I'm finally relieved enough to admit it: I'm French. Not only does my language reveal it, but also my cultural references.

I love French cheese, fine French chocolates, French 'haute couture' perfumes, French South Pacific pearl jewels and 'Les Lumières'! "The centre of the Enlightenment was France, where it was based in the salons and culminated in the great Encyclopédie (1751–72)".

Then how do I live today? by French motto's values, 'freedom, equality, brotherhood'.

Freedom, I live anywhere my heart leads me and do whatever I fancy, while I think mostly about due care to not harm, and preserve our endangered world.
Equality, I live simply and content, so that other have the means to live, too.
Brotherhood, I live with an open heart that allows anyone without blood considerations to be respected and cherished as a brother, or sister.
x.

Loner

2011-12-07T05:14:00.003-06:00

4 years gone with the wind
4 years and any feelings remain
4 years of vain mistakes and forgotten promises
4 years and all has to be done, again but well.

Anger is such a bad counselor,
Self pity a misleading path;
I am worth more than a torn ego.

I shall wander alone, sometimes
Never lament nor beg, anytime
Allways love and give, mindfully
Nurture joy and exam, carefully.

x.

Fine

2011-12-06T11:20:00.004-06:00

Fineland elating bouts of passion
Billion stars enticing my delusion
Alluring Northern nights in unison.

When my heart gets broken in a zillion flares
They emit so much love it's intoxicating
Pulsating hope outward, or so he dares.

Darkened attraction on the edge of sanity
Don't offer your lips or we could slip
Stay within a corner of thoughts variety.

x.

Assassin

2011-12-06T10:29:00.004-06:00

There is an assassin in my head
Drink that poison with passion
He whispers tenderly from within
And I drank to the last drop, bitter
She wants me and I remember her
All wet and giggly squeezing my chin

There is an assassin in my head
Vivacious rest, audacious norms
Precarious debt, luscious bareness
She-male begetting nightmares
Naked elf under the storm, skinny
Darkened eponym of my inner child

Inward

2011-12-01T16:44:00.004-06:00

There are lots of outward stimulation, and I fail to be fully present. I slow down to pay attention to them, because most of my mind looks inward, feel what's very deep inside.
When food and sex fail, there's exercise, over-exercise until the breaking threshold. Past pain, there is pleasure, a big rush of dopamine in the brain.

I kept strong and respected my vows, locked target. Ignored pain, anxiety, felt empowered by loneliness, elated by surroundings.
A glimpse of glee was this flowing snake mirroring floating clouds in the dim late afternoon light.
I touched an angel and it showed me the reflection of fire, inspired by half bare trees onto the canal.

I feel extremely grateful and indebted to my brother for having taught me that pain is not to be avoided but embraced. Since I started indulging in painful experiences I hastened my learning pace and turned back the wheel of time. Rejuvenated, I feel a steel strong determination deep down, unstopppable.

But never forget that our love of pain is not an appeal for becoming a victim. Actually my way of overcoming past big wounds has been not only to forgive but also to win over those who inflicted sorrow onto me. Becoming better everyday has been the only way.

Into the wild

2011-11-30T16:10:00.005-06:00

Confusion, dullness, if only they stopped asking what I don't wanna give, let me go. Relapse time.

Wanna shy away because you remind me of prospective realities, and honestly I just wanna dream, alone, far.

I like being that foreign stranger no one knows, no one talk too. I can wander alone and never being asked who I am or why I live, because I'm no one, and I live for nothing, but these answers hurt so I don't wanna talk, hence if you don't talk my language, I love you.

Alone lies danger, would I survive? I guess that's why no one ever let me go. Hence I'm never asking.

Now I bitterly regret my cowardness, I shall never live uncongruently again, I made a mistake, it was painfull. But the sorrow to have to live more because of it is even greater.

Everything has an end, even dreams, even hope, even life.

I wished I were anywhere else

2011-11-25T15:44:00.009-06:00

No I'm never coming back, as hard as it may have been to tell, it's true.
Obviously some people took it personally, and that had made it even harder to explain.
I disliked the place, not the people, but some only.

I'm forever gone. This reality has not dawned yet upon me, fully.
Nonetheless any time I look outside I can't ignore it, I'm not there any more.
I can't feel any relief, though the panic is definitly gone.

My flight instinct has gotten worse, shutting down even the most basic polite goodbye words inside my shy mind. But honestly it's neither the first, nor the last time, I'm afraid.

It's so frightening, any glimpse of an image remind me I lived wrong. And it's no surprise I wish I were you. I'm so sadened to wear all around me memories of what has not meant to be.

And as a reminder of untouchable dreams you've made me cry so much that I felt like hiding away, disapearing, never be seen any more, even by me.
Somehow I want these days to end, now and forever.

You let me see that there is nowhere else, and I want nothing else but to find refuge with you.
Does that mean? '"Rescue me", maybe.

O the irony

2011-11-25T13:40:00.002-06:00

Based on the skills I had acquired, I made a vow to starve myself if I were to stay paralysed.

I had never expected that in case of good outcome, I would never enjoy eating, again.

It never occured to me before that feeding oneself could be a chore, even more frustrating than dieting.

It's as if I had to perform a taste anamorphosis anytime I eat in order to feel it as it used to be, as it should be, but as it's not like anymore.

So I wanna forget this strange taste on my tongue, I wanna forget all my taste memories.

Careless

2011-11-22T03:30:00.004-06:00

Singing like a bird, mending my wounds.
Spreading my wings, past aches are gone.
I love the pain I feel as I grow and heal.
I'm therefore free to fly and run, again.
I love that feeling, no I'm hooked actually.
Youth sweetness, softness, carelesness.

I let go of chores and errands, burdens
Stripped from stuff, free of fluff.
Torn contracts, burnt fake promises
Neither lured into bling paradise
Nor fooled into ruthless sharkpools.
Youthful bounty, radiating energy.

My other half

2011-11-21T14:08:00.002-06:00

I lived with you for so long, I can't even remember when.
I tried to gently kiss you goodbye but you are again.
So this time I decided to trash you down the drain.
You robbed my vanity, now you threaten my sanity.
Let me go insane, but don't take me down the limbs.
Numb as your voice, void is rapturing, nothingness.
The more I strip you, the less I feel, lightheaded.
Afraid to let me fly, I am nevertheless free, still alive.

x

Sex_id

2011-11-20T16:22:00.005-06:00

In between worlds, striving to find a place.
Long ago the disconfortable realisation that my sexual impulses were not conform to social expectations, I did all I could to repress them and may have found a bliss in asexuality, at least temporarily.
Any new attempt would further frustrate my heart, physical desires were so far from my mind appetites, and the key to reconcile them appeared so alien: crossing the line has allways been unbelievable.
Then as I had the aspiration to mature a bit more, though never too much I lapsed into depressing attemps to conform, only to return more and more strongly closer to the borderline.

Jalna

2011-11-20T06:47:00.003-06:00

When everything seem upsetting, when I get angry, when I feel only despair, if no end arise from my trouble, when I'm stuck in lamentations and worries, I turn to you.

Lush grasslands
Playful crystal clear rivers
Blue sunny sky
Cathedrals of trees

Teenage dream

2011-11-19T09:32:00.003-06:00

Blue dandelion, his eyes entail passion
Golden sparkle of dawn upon me
Green leaps and hopes of wilderness
Salty deep kisses and lenghty foreplays
Juicy berry candy deep echoing
Skipped heartbeats from his stares
Messy long hair fondling over my neck
Soft bare cheeks stroking my lips
Wanna drop my holed used jeans
And f*ck in sync with loads of guitars

soundtrack

Euphoria

2011-11-17T04:40:00.003-06:00

There are times when I feel like the world belongs to me. There are times when I feel my lucky star is by my side and nothing could possibly go wrong. There are times when I took decisions so lightly that my life seem even not important although these are times when I enjoy it most. There are times when I feel creative, aweful, blissful, lustful, light as a feather, dancing and running all over the world, driven by an insastiable desire to discover, explore and think.
Then is euphoria, some say hypomania.

When do I really fall back onto the dark side of the moon? Why do I sometime recede back into melancholia, apathy, undecideness, some say depression? I recall those times when it happened: period, pill, pregnancy, so it's obviously triggered by progesterone. This might explain why I feared so much not only periods and pregnancy, but mostly progesterone pills. And no I was wrong it's not pain that was the most fearful but that dullness of life, when everything is grey, blurred, tasteless, tiring and scary.

Path to nihilism

2011-11-16T16:19:00.006-06:00

When I feel like giving up, I strive hard to try again.
Love is when outside the naked truth, the bare reality is sharper, but we fear no cut for any blood given as it would not hurt but heal.
Behind a million stars I get no gold and it makes me happier.
Doubting one's own congruence makes one come closer to self.
Ego recedes truly when delusions are washed away by peace.
The more I look at the core, the more I feel, the less I fear, the less I feel like owning.

But when all is gone I allways wonder why leaving something, one thing, anything about me?

self limitations

2011-11-08T11:45:00.003-06:00

I used to make vows: never get into debt, never smoke nor use drugs, don't drink alcohol, don't drive, never fool. These are my taboos.

I was reminded why it helped forge who I am, free, by this little quote:
"freedom lies in self limitation".

Indeed since I started my minimalist journey I have given up so many things by limitating my wants.
Actually it started with material possessions, it turned to financial aspirations, then my mind bysiness receded and my attention got focused on a few desirable topic.

At some point I had stripped so much from my outer clutter that I could see very clear inside.
Suddenly my lifestyle changed dramatically and my own body too.

Chameleon

2011-11-03T16:04:00.002-05:00

That ability is quite confortable: fast learner, good imitator, we fit well in most settings, if only we don't put bad mood into it.
The chameleon can seem to be anything as long as the model taken as a miror is flattering.

But the more the game lasts the more we risk to loose ourselves. After years of playing the best student, the model employee, the devoted wife, the sucessful enterpreneur, who are we?
The desire to know more is never far from spying, the urge to control so close to manipulating, and the weak too easily fooled.

Any power is dangerous when not neatly focused on a wise use. A deep self introspection is required to remain true to ourselves. The most powerful brain we have, the longest meditation we have to perform.

Mind Body connection

2011-10-30T08:53:00.006-05:00

My hot issue for these past 7 months, since I turned this place into a journal.
I miss so deeply my dead friend, which I feel indebted to very much for having raised my awareness to an advanced level by showing me an example without lectures.

Any withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm still doubtful about the role of corticoid and or AINS on decreasing my present inflammation problems. Although my liver is clearly toxic from that short hospital stay (yellow/gray undertones), I have fully recovered on a skin level. So I suppose I'm doing all right physically.

I haven't tamed these sparkles of energy, passion, impulse or rage of life that ignited my mind as I unleashed androgens. They have actually driven me back in time, very early in teenage years when I could both get excited strongly about novelty, and wait quietly in awe while time unfolds.

Meanwhile getting hooked again on training fueled a desire to not only live as I did, but also look just the same as when I had this dopamine load in my veins. So I packed impulsivly close to nothing, headed up North, got back to school, spoke a mix of English and Scandinavian, and had some (alcohol free) beers.

It took a while before I could finally see myself again, but it only reinforced the feeling of deja vu. Then I strived harder to sculpt myself as I used to. But only fools keep doing the same mistakes hoping for a different outcome. So I altered the recipe on a deeper level: I trust myself, I am bolder than ever so I won't say no to opportunities out of fear once again.

And yes I acknowledge that grief is important, some wounds can not heal but emotional attachment do not have to be materially based, ever.

I can not be certain it will prevent me from falling, again, but my vacation from reality is definitly over. I have replaced everything I hated by something I love.

And this love shall guide me forever.

x

Lackluster

2011-10-22T06:19:00.005-05:00

Dim winter light dancing on wet leaves
Reddish late survivors of fall
Evedrops tantalizing life impulse
I soak into morning's glory.

Bleary hangovers celebrating win
Murky power sluggishly coming out
Prospective realities drag me here
By a seducive tone, ever more gloomy.

Blurred is your face, faded is your voice
Faint is your shake, tenebrously charming
As a cloudy winter day, my dull heart
Captured in your ill defined lusty nets.

Borderline

2011-10-21T15:06:00.003-05:00

Crossing the highwire between our souls
A step back to nihilists apsirations
A step towards your radiant embrace

Clock is ticking but they all seem to ignore
I made a wish, my blood tied to death
I promised to go smoothly when it's over

A higher wave, a salter sea, a windier day
Will wash me away if you eat my hopes
Already my tongue is sealed, dessicated eyes.

Night Fantasy

2011-10-09T15:05:00.004-05:00

Emotional wound
Wet pearls abound

Loneliness erased
Suddenly united

I wanna feel the chill of night
The black tropical Pacific sky
And marvel at billion faint stars

I wanna kiss you goodnight
And fall soflty in the sand
Listening to windy palms

The English comeback

2011-10-08T17:41:00.002-05:00

Feels like I'm back to England

As if time had looped backwards

Those chills, these ales, and eyes.

My old black jacket and high heels,

Long blond hair that attracts one liners

My party girldfriends and my diet.

It's a carefree socialite mindset

That I have missed for too long

I'm kissing back salty rain and wind.

Reptilian Brain

2011-10-06T07:45:00.003-05:00

When dusk sets in my vision turns blurred
Some dust gets in my heart and i miss you
I feel lonely, frightened and cold
Where are your warming arms?
The poisonous sting of your kisses
Enamoured I feel ready just for you.

Windy daily thoughts

2011-10-05T15:11:00.005-05:00

Under the wind, bend as willow,
In hardhips, flow as water.

Fluid is never hard to catch, but to keep

Autumn bluish darkness turned my emptiness into sharp loneliness.

I love my browser because he speaks Swedish to me.

Be cute, smile to me,
Be bold, invite me.

o

2011-10-02T11:30:00.001-05:00

Love like an intense smile on my face
Love as burning smile as I hear you

Somewhere I belong

2011-10-01T12:45:00.006-05:00

Since my father gave me a book about Bora Bora, as I as a child, I'd dreamt of it.

I finally got there few years ago.

I wondered why I was so attracted to these tropical lagoons many years.

Lonely beaches, soft sand, intense sunlight, warm water ?

The answer came when I visited Gotland, a Swedish island, 5 years later.
It's blue.
I'm in love with blue.

Where else on Earth than on a tropical beach can we see mostly blue?

On a Swedish beach!

Teen quotes

2011-09-30T18:08:00.005-05:00

I wrote these when I was 14 years old, and incidently I still feel these deeply in my heart

"Break down all the walls which are your way of life, even if they are humans"

"Happiness is in your head, if you wanna be happy, think you are and after you'll be happy with your heart"

"Listen to the primary nature of human race
SHE'S WILD"

"my life:
wild, optimist and free"

" Try to find an escape from the world, so cruel, wicked and stupid where we're living or only trying to survive!"

speaking of teen spirit, 20 years ago:

Ode to Malmö

2011-09-13T14:01:00.006-05:00

When I saw this place, it was love at first sight.
I knew the first day I visited this town, that I'll come there to settle sooner or later.
The soonest, actually.

It's been 3 weeks that this dream came true, and everyday is bliss.
I'm so truly in love.

The color of the sky is deep, iridescent and changing every minute of the day, which are incredibly long, half of the year.

The architecture is rich, city space is not crowded, and large avenue let wind blow pollution away, while light penetrates deep inside.

People are walking and cycling and running and strolling babies, making it feel so alive.

Water is ubiquituous, fountains, a canal, a lake, the sea, marshes and rain, reflecting any blue shade of the sky.

Malmö is thrice blue actually

And yes the grass is greener, so brightly green that it hurts the eyes.

Ego bio chemistry for dummies

2011-08-17T16:42:00.004-05:00

Sweet blog why have I been away for so long? I missed you, and now I wanna hug you, kiss you, or fuck u too!

Am I out of mind? not at all. But as I have altered the chemical load in my veins, so did my brain switched to a maler side of me.

Actually without birth control pill, nor stress induced cortisol, my androgenes are spiking, then my inner mind simply blows away. All my emotions are stronger, my feelings wilder and my tastes radically different.

There is no such thing as "me", I am not who I think I was. I am not at all.
The delusion of self is actually shattered by swinging wants.
I don't even need no more what I used to (food, make up, men), but what I used not to need (sex, sex & sex).

It feels like I'm a teen, with hormones boiling my thoughts down to instincts, but I'm old enough to know I only have to let things cool a bit later (fingers crossed). Maybe I'm gonna be grown up one day, or not?

Why do I really hate Paris?

2011-07-11T16:03:00.010-05:00

If Paris was this nice museum of old architecture, cozy cafés and fashion shops without all those ill mannered Parisians, it would be very more enjoyable.

I hate Paris because I hate air pollution, overpopulation, night light, round-the-clock noise, trashes on the floor. And that is Paris, real Paris, not postcard/tourist guide Paris.

But aren't these mere symptoms of a deeper problem?

Actually the real reason why I hate Paris, and London alike, and could not stand more than a day in Tokyo is a direct bypoduct of overpopulation: lack of space & time (think of time and space as dimensions of physical reality in a quantic way)

Where is the only place one can meditate quietly alone in Paris? Restrooms!
It fits better than "toilet" for that matter. But only if no one is waiting for you to finish your poo!
Seriously there are people everywhere, maybe not at home, but neighbors, close enough to be heard and felt, 24/7.

I've always needed solitude. Space wide enough not to be disturbed by other's activities in order to meditate and clear the mind for creative sprouts to later blossom, and time long enough to elaborate deep complex ideas.

It appears that solitude is the most common habit of creative people, as beautifully written by Leo Balbauta here.

Actually the second habit of creative people: participation, might explain why I'm such a traveler freak, and a polyglot! And I will have to dig deeper on that later idea in another post.

Practice conscious feeling

2011-07-05T16:21:00.003-05:00

I briefly introduced conscious feeling in a previous post
Let me show you a concrete example.

I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, not a pleasant news. So I was waiting in some hospital for a surgeon appointment and it took ages.

I was anxious about what the surgeon would tell me (even more about the surgery!) and beginning to feel really stressed by this waiting. Then I realized how vain these negative feelings were.

No matter how much distress about being stuck sitting under lightubes I feel, I would eventually get this appointment, so I looked at the beautiful flowers on the nurses's desk. I smiled because they were gorgeous.

No matter how much thinking and questions about this surgery were running through my mind, I would finally have to surrender to a surgeon skills (him or someone else) , and let go without control but hoping to wake up no more disabled. Then I opened a newspaper and kept on reading until the surgeon called my name, an hour later.

Becoming a stranger

2011-07-02T18:02:00.007-05:00

Roughly from 15 to 25 years old I was chasing various passions wholeheartedly.

I embraced learning exotic languages and cultures, exploring remote world corners, meeting strangers, getting familiar with foreign customs and uses.

I jumped from dream to dream, as my passions waned and waxed.

Joshua Becker brilliantly describes one of his main lessons learnt from minimalism as "Life is about the journey, not the destination. Dreams come and dreams go"
So I enjoy that journey, but the destination was not expected: I am now a stranger anywhere I am.

I took the best from any foreign culture encountered on my marvellous lifepath.
It stuck in my ming as a kaleidoscopic ethnic puzzle.
My own unique culture.

British moment

2011-05-19T16:45:00.003-05:00

Late at night, tea time before bed.

It reminds of very ancient memories of Britain: I was a teenager sent over the Channel to learn some of the most useful language on Earth. Instead I discovered tea, not only a beverage, but a whole way of life.
It has to be black, overwhelmed by milk and sweet. It is served in cute mugs, at a great distance from regular meals. And it's best to talk over it!

Last time I went on a british island (you know it cause people drive on the left) I took some of the spicy beverage in my luggage as a souvenir: flavored with Seychelles vanilla.

Blue

2011-05-16T16:06:00.004-05:00

Blue as the open sky
Blue as the oldest ices
Blue as the oceanic feeling

Blue is a color whose energetical power over my brain is both sweet and strong.
Blue is violently wiping out of my mood any trace of depression lingering after a to stressfull job, a mourning of a friend, an ill side effect of a prescrpition drug.
Blue is gently rubbing my soul into blessedness, happiness, joy, pride.

Blue and I feel like living more intensely, singing, dancing, writing, enjoying being here, now.

Vacation from reality

2011-05-14T18:37:00.003-05:00

Vacation from reality is an interesting concept greatly described by my favorite blogger in a recent serie of posts.

While the archdruid apply vacation from reality to a societal behavior: americans collectively forgot about ressources limit of the planet during 30 years until it backlashes on them, I have been subject to one, personally.

I woke up 30 y.o., slaving at a job I hate, living in a place where I have no interest for, married to a man I don't want a future with, STOP!

I don't know how it happened, where did I go wrong? where did I loose myself?

It's HIGH time for change.

Maturity: deliverance comes from inside.

2011-05-14T17:42:00.008-05:00

Upon managing the comments of this blog, I was delightedly reminded that I used to look for deliverance. The delight comes from a simple fact: it's no longer true!
And I agree with "anonymous"(who??) that it did came from within, but how?

Indeed it did not come overnight, but gradually

Actually I developed some form of self awareness derived from meditation techniques, and that I coin "conscious feeling". Basically I'm very conscious that thoughts and feelings can be toxic, so I've trained myself to be aware of them while never trying to suppress them, nor trying to shut them down (ie.I've never"meditated").
Instead I've slowly rewired my brain to stop worrying by focusing on good outcomes, pleasant feelings and my own core values, anytime I was watching my mind wander on stressful paths.

In order to achieve this I had to first gain a deep understanding of my emotions, then sort out my true life values, and finally leap to be congruent, which is living up to one's value.

I had to remain well aware that I shall not strive to control what is beyond my influence. Reading Seneque surely helped on that one, but also the numerous minimalist blogs teaching us how to "let go" (of stuff, worries, rat race, etc)

Lately I'm in a blissful state of oceanic feelings, that I reinforce by listening to some music.
I'm attributing it mostly to maturity (already 30!) and marginally to some hormonal tricking of my brain.

Fast

2011-05-09T17:11:00.007-05:00

A fasting holiday is an utmost minimalist experience:

back to basics and the essence of one's life.

I enjoyed solitude in the park, protected by giant old trees, uplifted by smelling lilacs, listening to bird love songs.
I read some adventures of deep far ancestors and connected inside my own burried instincts.

As any wild animal I've sensed this year weather trend months in advance and booked (in March) a whole summer up north, just as I did 8 years ago in winter preceding the worst hot summer of my whole life: until now? April has already been the hottest and driest in Europe for....decades.

And I listened with passion to the US air force radio, airing my favorite music: american songs !

I haven't missed crowd, violence or consumer goods. I was happy hiking in the woods with various folks: a healer, a mother, a teacher, a businessman and a desperate housewive.

journal-2

2011-04-02T10:47:00.003-05:00

second part of my journal:

5. List three changes you'll need to make to live a more meaningful life.

i. Lose 55kg in 13 months
- I'm following a detox diet (organic veggies & fruits) for 10 days up until I head to a German clinic where I'll fast for 3 weeks.
=>Ideas for the following diet: paleo and a daily walk least 30 minutes, or...

ii. Walk in the wild
- week end trip to forests (to be implemented after the fast, ie in May)
- visiting Lappland in June (or some other part of Sweden, south coast maybe)
- a trek in Norwegian fjords, and Lofoten islands in July.
- touring Iceland in August

iii. Live in a peaceful place
- ideally close to hiking trails, lake or sea,
- within walking distance of food markets and future job (if any)
- either in a 'waklable' village or 'cyclable' small town

6. List 3 positive qualities that you feel proud of possessing. List 3 qualities that you'd like to develop.
still got to work on that!!

7. If you could try five new jobs over the next year what would they be?

- working in public parks, planting flowers, cutting branches, guiding visitors to remote places
- leading groups of people into the forest for hikes
- teaching science to teenagers
- healing people with plants
- managing a B&B

Journal

2011-03-28T16:09:00.006-05:00

I am into personal developement these days, and thought keeping a personal journal might be useful to 'activate my inner wisdom'.
So a starting point

I am wild.

I will not surrender.

I would like to live more fully.

I will quit my job, move to Scandinavia, trekk on Iceland and Lappland this summer.

I love sunsets, blond hair, green forests, deep blue sky and really long evenings.

I hate pollution, urbanization, globalization, neocons, liberals, skycrapers, cars and dummies.

2. What advice would you give yourself at this time in your life?

Trust your instinct

3. What three major choices brought you to this point in your life?

not sure what 'this point' is...really

4. Looking back, what three things do you wish you had tried?

ditching France earlier.......

....more tmw

I ain't captain

2010-10-09T16:31:00.002-05:00

No matter, the biggest feeling is to be lost.

There's fog outside, and the radars are out.
Everything is bundled, options are written on cards,
but they are wrapped together by daily turmoil's rope.
Sometime you could even feel it around your neck,
choking next to death. But no you won't,
there's allways some airhead to release you.

Relief? Please let me get down,
stop the earth from rolling round and fast.
The cities are never sleeping
but neither am I and I wanna rest! NOW.

Miracle

2010-07-26T14:35:00.002-05:00

My TV's burnt ...finally I may enjoy a little peacefull creative evening time!
I even savor one of these long summer twilight, listening to rock tunes

Lost

2010-07-24T13:50:00.003-05:00

No, I'm not into soap these days, though I love the latest batch of hazelnut flavored soap bars I made!

I feel stranded on an island, desperately looking for his ideas. So I really needed those outside views on the world, and glimpse on other ways to imagine reality.

Summer is leaving, sun is setting, the air is thick and darkened by clumpy clouds. Nostalgia is suddenly wrapping me into her fluffy wings.

Adapting to chaos

2009-12-08T15:53:00.006-06:00

Tonight in the subway back home, two unknown colleagues (we're 10 000coworkers in the same place....) were talking about climate change.
One sentence really caught my thought flow:"where's the truth?, who is right?"

Then I remembered quantum physics: reality isn't about absolute truth, rather about probabilties and truthS relative to their observation 'angle'...
I thought these young jeans clad guys were IT staff, cause they though in a really binary way, but outside computing they ought to know that in life, nothing is so clear cut than binary maths.

Really some part of the Sahara are getting dry, but some parts of Europe are flooded: so is climate drier or wetter?wasn't it supposed to be 'only'1 degrees hotter, but some mountains are 4° above average, so where's the truth?

There is no single thruth, cause there is no single 'average' universe, otherwise we would freeze and choke! (yeah outer space is the average state of the universe!)
There are multiple truths, fit for each special scale and timing. As you move and time fly, scale and timing change so truth too.

It's been millions of years than human beings have adapted to this chaotic everchanging world mostly without a single equation, so I don't think we are doomed not to have computed the TRUTH yet, but rather for looking for something that's a chimere!

Adapting to chaos ain't binary computing, it's being present, observing and greatly feeling, in order to intuitively deduce the most favorable way.

You're lost when you stop looking at/for your path.

Please save the rainforest

2009-09-12T08:27:00.002-05:00

Anyone's heard about "buying tropical wood hurts rainforest" or "buying cosmetics/food made of palm oil hurts rainforest and ourang outang"

Well, if you want a real impact on saing the rainforest, AND have quite lots of money, please go bomb the big roads that are wide opened in the rainforest and are used to transport the logs on longdistance. While you're at this bombing project, please don't forget the invaders villages housing truck drivers, tree cutters and their bitches. Once the physical means of cutting down the forest are seriously hurt AND it's known that's extremely deadly job to do: you'll have saved the rainforest.

Anything else is a nice prayer. But if you believed in God you would not try to save the world,or rainforest...(He's doing it, right?)

Coconut fantasy

2009-09-06T16:13:00.005-05:00

This cute little flower "tiare" is how I'm called by some people who haven't missed that I'm a tropical (flower) addict.
Being a blond "vahine" is not only about colorful, scented flowers in the (h)air...
It's also a hippiyish (long hair) lifestyle prefering free wild ornament over luxury bags or expensive cosmetics.
...An unlimited love for the sun which is not impaired by fear or revulsion over cute lizards, flying insects, sneaking sharks or giant turtles.
...A crave for boiled bananas, freshy cathed fish, and real coconut water, when all i can smell around is overfried hamburgers, cheezy pizzas, fishy chinese crap, and the like

So I slave to spare some cents for happy retirement (40 years from now) on a wild sandy beach, harboring coconut, banana, frangipani...and a pet turtle! I'd love to imagine my little tree house, open to seawind (aka aircon), high above in the canopy free as a bird somewhere closer to the tropics than where my actual jail lays.

Mind swings

2009-08-18T16:19:00.002-05:00

Maybe hormonal load around the brain is coloring the world.
The sky seems more blue, people skin is more glowy, anyone smile is more radiant.
Anything vibrates and radiates with joyful pace and intensity.
The ocean feeling is there again, with its deep calm and weightfull energy.
Somehow testosterone is also a writer natural drug.
I may have missed it, but not so much as this blog...

Kiss back

Letting go

2009-08-17T17:05:00.002-05:00

Letting go, living in the NOW
I am settling for romance
Isn't exciting to be the LAST?
It's only as good as it lasts
When it's over there is no turnover
I have no incentive to change the world
I am not 7 billion human's mother
Although I look as my ancestors Goddess
I am letting go of you, vanity
To educate you all is vain
I wish you luck, but I no more care
Without humanity earth will be better off

Random love stories

2009-08-15T17:29:00.002-05:00

1. A week ago I fell in love with this tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz72j6rJEyM

2. I felt the space in my flat too little, so I'm seriously studying how to fit some cupboard in the tiny space in order to get rid of some of the mess that cloud my living space...
As I'm into luxury these days, I even think about buying a sofa that could be a bed at night.
All furnitures would have to fit tin my tiny corners, while letting my mind rest: so light colors only allowed.
I seriously love to wander through the Ikea wesite and brochure, imagining all the possibilites to arrange this and that...
I believe an harmonious home is key to rest there in peace, so that we hit latest the final resting place!

Theorising the wise use of violence

2009-07-04T03:23:00.003-05:00

1.Let’s become aware of the abuses, assaults and poisoning we are victims of
2.Let’s identify our murderers
3.Let’s name them, one by one
4.Let them and their family know that WE know their crimes, and are ready to take action against them and/or retailation against their offspring in order to stop their crimes at ALL cost

Tired of staying idle hopeless cause you can’t change the system ?

Most of massive murdering corporations have a public website, such as www.corporate.com, then go to investors section, find out the annual report (either to read online or to download) , and so you got the list of administrators, presidents, exectutives, and so on.

Now you still feel hopeless ? well that’s cause you have no more imagination…

You may wanna read further material to recover your child like imagination power:
on the dark side of the force
http://www.endgamethebook.org/Excerpts/2-Apocalypse.htm
on the bright side:
http://blogs.salon.com/0002007/

Zombies

2009-07-03T16:40:00.004-05:00

It never occured to me before his death that I had been looking for his face. I've realised this old love had his initial look, the one I had mourned as a child.
And it's rather shocking and sadening too, but it was mostly your smile anyway.

I need some time to heal, but I'm already sure that she would look right, so I feel ready for her now.
I can't wait too long, I've just realised I won't let it last.
A guess is that my next generation will be dangerous, bad by civilisation standards, so it will beat it, while letting any stranger wonder who is it?

Much more often than not, the biggest hurdles we face are our own fears, so a little bit more freedom IN MY MIND is all I need now.

Let's dance$

hot in the air

2009-07-02T16:13:00.002-05:00

It's hot in the air.
A violent breaze is crashing on the city.
From here at twighlight: red sky, hot air, thunders, pandemic virus, rising joblessness look gloomy...
That may be "slow crash"? exciting, confusing, saddening...so many feelings to enjoy.
Therefore I wish to lighten the atmosphere, with some light songs, soft skin and a bubbly smile.

Megacity remains idle: so many possibilities that lay on statitics and never come true.
Here I feel reality has vanished into a virtual wired network, phone cables and wifis, braodband Internet and mobile microwaves.
People are stripped from souls: they have second life. They are void of beauty: they have money.
They wander and never meet: what could they recall except from propaganda from TV?
There ain't no time to get old, only for cosmetics.

What else? You could be and not have...Let it be and trash this all.

Nazis and their aspirants

2009-07-01T16:47:00.002-05:00

Seriously what's wrong with Europeans, and especially french people?
They proudly shout about their WWII win over Hitler, but as soon as he was dead they got their lazy ass building open air gas chambers...
Car drivers are so busy turning the air we breathe into gas chambers that weather guy has to tell us "not to exercise for your health"!
Gosh! who said avoiding exercise was GOOD for health?

Nowadays europeans seem to be a big bunch of fucked up neo nazi actively pursuing genocides over our not yet born grand children...

Such a pity.

Alive

2009-06-13T16:14:00.002-05:00

The other day, I was coming back home after a (too long) day of work. As I walked out the subway station I was literally showered from hair to toe.
I was curiously eyeing these weird strangers trying to shun themselves from heaven's water by crowding under the slim shops's roof along the narrow parisian streets.
As my flowing hair was turned to heavy locks, and my feet freely splashing at each step I enjoyed this long forgotten feeling: a free shower.
Of course here it's so unsual here to have simaltaneously rain and warm temperature, that most people instinctively fly away from rain as from cold inducing nasty thing.
But they did not even try it, I did wildly feeling this year is special, as special as 6 years ago: it's a HOT year. Though uncommon hot years are triggering monsoon like showers as far upnorth as Scandinavia (where I was last time fortunately)

few things to remember

2009-06-12T16:14:00.002-05:00

I have just sticked to this world because of my loving family.
I have done only the few things I had been forced too, and I won't do anything for that world unless strongly obliged too.
I am not part of civilisation and I have no culture, except a strong link to my few blood fellows (aka tribe).

Tribute to Jarawas

2009-06-06T17:28:00.005-05:00

There are flying dancers in my head

They’re as gracefull as swallows

Dim light is yellowing the evening

They hide and seek as shadows

Darkening carved roasted stone

And brightened sharp angles stare

At our mellowing random fights

Time to purify and unify unicity.

Love grows when shared but

Life is lost when you are shared

Flesh and brain apart you are dead

Beware of danger and any stranger.

Spring

2009-05-16T04:51:00.002-05:00

Spring is renewal...
Spring is fasting time (last year's harvest gone, new year's one unready yet)
Spring means slimming
Spring means decluttering
Is anything I own usefull, desired? trash, sell or reuse, recycle any other stuff
Mind's changing, Life's adapting to unstable conditions, so culling is as cyclic though unpredictable as weather.

Spring is sweeping, cleaning, detoxifying
Coming clean, light and ready for the bright long days.

What's 'BAD'?

2009-02-18T16:50:00.003-06:00

How to draw the line between 'good' and 'bad'?
Bad?
anything that cause harm or death.
Bad?
anything that is a threat to human survival in a balanced ecosystem (aka. not unbalanced due to human pressure)
Bad?
any limitation to basic human freedom...

Basic human freedom?
A balanced ecosystem to live in.

Paris as I love

2009-02-13T16:35:00.004-06:00

This is my beloved city; the quite sunny, chalky historical heart of Paris.

cold?

2009-01-17T17:59:00.002-06:00

I'm amazed how wild is my body:
It has felt for weeks the weather turning to cold, overeating so that I was ready for the coldest weather in 20 years over here. My fat layer forecasted the cold way before the meteorologist.
Then I've felt nauseous for some time, and the weather's just started to warm up.
My body's already sheding extra pounds to adjust to coming spring (early, nah?)
The weather is crazy, but I'm part of that craze, so I shall not fear it.

The Wave

2009-01-17T17:38:00.003-06:00

There's something troubling within
Echoing far away are heartbeats
Anysound enhancing is pushing
A blood rush up to the brain
It feels as a wave, blue and one
Uniting, moving, tying
To the great ocean of life
The original energy soup
Atomised within our selves
It feels alive in transe music
Over wild runs and dance
A beat inside and outside
Juicy present flowing overall

Magical Encounters

2009-01-10T15:21:00.003-06:00

Some people have a magnetic attraction, some kind of hypnotising aura radiating from their stare. Each smallest motion of their body is grace, each eye contact is joyfull, their mere presence is intense, it feels as if they fill the air, abstracting any other one.
Inhabiting the present moment may surely be the way to feel alive, but some people can better make it last, stretch each second to a day, meaningfully transmuting a glimpse into everlasting memories.

It reminded me how biaised is my mind, for it's ineluctably clinging on same unvarying ethnical features: why? makes me wonder where I belong...

Transe

2009-01-08T15:27:00.002-06:00

Substitute for love ain't fantasy
Drugged mills ain't no more fallacy
Entangled in wheel of fortune
Estranged in well of snow fume
We err on tilted bridges
We crawl on barren roads
Desperate for clear ether
Enamoured of white flow
Searching but no preaching
Hunting but no grunting
Flaunting our bellies
With mere wild berries

insight into the future

2009-01-04T16:08:00.002-06:00

Thanks to the wonderfull blog of Dave Pollard (which incidentally was born the same year as my parents) "How to save the world" I discovered this fabulous article about our mid-term future:
http://ranprieur.com/essays/slowcrash.html
Obviously, young people (teens, 20 something) may worry about what's going to happen in 2040-2050, cause we're supposed to be 'mature adults' by the time, and not even ripe enough for retirement!
Predictions of passed peak oil time, when oil will be too expensive for most of us, and worsening climatic conditions due to global warming, are rather bleak, and stress me to find the 'best' way to survive, long term.
Therefore Ran's essay is a good news, he explains that economic and infrstrucutre breakdowns will be slow, and that's leaving hope for adjustment time. Furthermore the changes he predicts that would turn our lifestyle to 'simpler' could actually be anticipated painlessly, and that's the path I've already began, so I guess I'm in the right direction!

Remainders 2009

2008-12-31T17:17:00.005-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The best memories of 2008?
look here=>

What's left to be done in 2009?

- becoming an islander
- learning organic permaculture (vegetables, medicinal plants, berries, poultry and herds)
- increasing much needed sewing skills
- improving some key language skills

The Curse- a counter biblical story

2008-12-28T15:49:00.004-06:00

Isn't it ironic that tonight on the news, there were once again tales of war in the Middleast?

Isn't it cynical that the land who might have been the original place where humanity sined at first, by inventing agriculture, is still cursed by an endless war?

Aren't they forever damned these early tribes, semitic people, who chose to get out of the peacefull garden of Eden? They got trapped in the illusion they could do as God, and cultivate food, so that they would grow forever.

Delusioned, they might be: these great grand children who haven't left the 'promised land' for more prosperous land, have realised they're jailed in a useless desert, and sentenced to forever fighting each other for drops of Jordan water.

short reading list:
-Ishmael, Daniel Quin
- Against the grain, Richard Manning

some kind of reality

2008-09-13T19:04:00.000-05:00

In a strange attempt to freee myself from human made limits, I have grown into a some kind of animal : I can not appreciate, nor create any form of art, for it’s the core difference between animals and humans. Furthermore it appears I’m unable to obey any form of laws, rules, social code of conducts, dress codes or gender roles. Though I’m intelligent enough to learn and understand them, I can never feel belonging somewhere inside these rules. As those rules gathered in a define collection sets a definite culture, I can never feel to be part of any culture. Therefore I allways feel alien, while belonging nowhere. However I’m curious to learn and understand their systems, how they technically arrange their societies. Anyway their values allways slip over my head by the end of the day.

I can only stare strangely at humans and their opposite feelings about life, they endlessly seem to want something and its straight opposite simultaneaously, which by nature’s supremacy of rules can never be reached. Thus I pity them : those I can only blame to know too little, or maybe dare too little (?), to reach their true nature, which by nature’s supremacy of coherence would guess what’s to want, the latter being in their reach.

I’m sure to agree with that famous french anthropologist: «living species are getting extinct at a frightening pace, human population is so dense that humanity is poisening itself internally, I think about the present world which I’m dying in. It’s not a world I like. »

Liking or not liking is not a real question, what’s there has to be dealt with anyhow. But I have not, I am not and shall not help humans getting out of the shit they have fucked themselves happily into. Cause I know they’re off better dying happy in their shit, than living clean wondering how to enjoy freedom.

no sleep but dreams

2008-08-22T17:17:00.004-05:00

Nothing's so important than dreams, and living up to your expectations. Maybe no one else matters, I mean they can do anything, think, and tell, we shouldn't give a damn, anyway.

Freedom ain't everything
But nothing else matters
Be oneself
Never justify why...
Deep down in my heart, I know where the truth lies
It hurts a lot to hide it, it's called "civilisation"

A young french testimony: the tyrany of generation 68

2008-05-02T19:08:00.003-05:00

No it's not a new terrible science fiction book, it's the theme of some french who have been published in France quite recently.These books speak about the tyrany of the "papy boomers": the numerous generation born after WWII...The generation who's demonstrated in french street in 1968,May, while american counterparts were hippies opposing Vietnam war.
This generation had benefited from the economic prosperity following the rebuilt of Europe, thanks to American subsides, and low priced good commodities from former colonies.
With cash flowing like rivers in Canada, western (including french) society soon turned into a hedonistic and individualistic playground.
Following the "sexual revolution" (abortion and pill) and women emancipation (work, banking, political and divorce rights) there has been les and less children born. Following the health improvments there have been more and more very old people alive.
This has lead the papy-boomers while they were still powerfull money oriented adults to force their parents into retirement and old age houses, so that generation 68 could avoid to competiting for jobs, especially management roles, with them and to caring about them.
After making sure their parents would not trouble their souls any more (as the saying goes: far from sight, far from heart), they also made sure their own children would not.

Not only did they secure by law heavy pensions at the expense of the next fewer generation, but also did they highly speculate on real estate prices in order not only to be homeowners but also to get juicy lifelong endowments from very small flats rented out to students and young workers: the generation of their own children.
In addition they made sure that salaries would be linked to age, so that younger workers have close to none opportunity to get high pays (the recent Kerviel scandal at Société Générale is quite a good illustration of possible consequences of the despair which young french are plunged in)
So what's our life like?
A small salary, high rents and taxes to pay...moreover after decades of exploitation (by generation 68 of course! their former hippies' lifestyles have long gone utopia!) Mother Nature is beginning to revolt and make us pay higher price for rare commodities, which means rising food and other prices.
So I am living poorer as my grandparents in Algeria 50 years ago, but I have studied 14 years more than my grandmom!
No wonder I had to give up my motherhood dreams: I can't rear a child when I have to support the greed of my parents and the retirement of my grandparents...
Generation 68 has only planned the extinction of "blood" french people (at least 40% of current birth rate in Paris region comes from foreign parents), because the only people happy to live as poor as I am are those coming from the even poorer Subsaharan Africa or poor chinese countryside, that may be why Paris is begining to look more black than New York...

financial crisis=> revolution?

2008-03-16T11:17:00.003-05:00

The last serious crisis in this world is supposed to have been 1929 and so on..but WWII was not a light consequence!
Are we at the dawn of another WW...the long awaited WWIII?
Some have said it would happen during the "cold war"
Some have said it would happen after september 11th and the crusade of USA against islamic world.
Who's afraid it would happen after the (major?) finacial crisis beginning from the subprime somthing??? but wait!
This all comes from an imbalance of cash between USA & China: China being the producer and USA the consumer...but who finances USA?? everyone else!! No we may no longer wish it...and the system collapse? it will! it's already began..but how & how long? how deep? no one knows!

Thank you

2008-01-08T16:24:00.000-06:00

I am thankfull for all what 2007 have brung to my life:
The best ever friend, my soul mate, that I love so much
I have enjoyed the best ever holidays with him
I have found peace and fun at work
I have met many nice colleagues, and nice parisians
I have discovered Paris thanks to getting a nice flat there
I have realised the price of family life
I have got a slimmer, younger, toner body
I have had so much fun @sport and outdoors this summer
I have experienced that smiling to life means life is smiling to you even more
although I had some painfull: breakups they made me tough and corecting mistakes
I have learnt to accept my whole identity
SO my whole life's changed for better

zzzzzz

2007-12-26T08:11:00.000-06:00

Somedays I simply miss you.
I feel void, and I don't even know what do I feel like doing once more.
Seems like I've been exploring all I wished
Seems like I've been meeting all those I wanted
And I am stranded on a desertic shore, all desire is gone
But I can't even tell you how much I need you

the days after

2007-12-11T13:17:00.000-06:00

Heart and minds fully open
As naked in spirit as clothless
I smell him wherever around me
So I don't feel like washing
His eyes are as dark as a black hole
All I wish is to jump there, and float forever
No anger nor doubts can resist his charming smile
His words are allways sweet, but wise
I can't enough of his lips, as addictive as cocaine
I can't get enough of his arms, so tender
My reason tells me to keep on loving
My mind craves for his feelings
My eyes craves for his handsome airs
My body craves for his warmth and strentgh

Winter sight

2007-12-03T16:57:00.000-06:00

Chicken skin, purple complexion
Winter sting, cold connexion
I love that pain, it's elating
I wish to stain, it's exciting
Crystal edges cutting harships
Low motion preserving fish
As the hunting snow leopard
I'm approaching the salmon lake
Young witch with heart in flake
I dare to whistle in the night
Under the vibrant photon fight
Silver drops of life falling in vain
White shades of fading cocaine
I soak under a swirling star rain
And my prints fly like a train

wondering

2007-11-23T15:05:00.000-06:00

So what can they write in my CIA file?
Too many flowers for peace, too many smiles for love...

Not enough products in my closet?
they are visible powers of a macro reality...I am an invisible ant!
and I wonder why are we allways fighting an economic war against each other
I'm starving, longing and cuddling for shares, but can I only understand those who starve too?
I can get your eyes straight, I can get your stares long enough to let you tell away anything you feel like, I can get inside your heart and soul, because I let in my heart and soul

Dreams ain't bought with money, my art can't be sold, and our endeavors are free

so now is it illegal too be:
Searching to catch a net of dissident friends, searching for those soul mates who are trying to get grip on this world....and hijacking industrial world from inside, letting our dreams exploding their systems
Living outside their artificial world, creating our own mental realities, hiring more and more brainy young staff to turn our prospective realities into tangible plans
Staying cold to their advertisements, reading tightly any ingredients list, working and studying so hard that we can't fear anything, neither deem anything impossible!
Dreaming big, Feeling high, run, dance, smile and talk to anyone!

sweeping off my closet

2007-11-18T15:33:00.000-06:00

It's been such a change, such a revolution in my life this last year...
Last november I had taken a turn in my life, I haven't only dropped 40 pounds...I got rid of all limits in my brain...slowly I...
I turned pain into bread and fuel for life
I turned loneliness into a kinda rage of life
I turned any flames into creativity
I came back to my childhood dreams, and let it flow
I came back to knowledge, because I'm no more a student, so I have to keep on studying to stay young and alert
Knowledge is the material for thoughts, and I can't pretend to know all by myself

I swept away all the dust, threw away all the uncessary items, too large clothes and old useless things that burdened my environement, now I enjoy clean, tidy and empty space.

I can't pretend anymore to be happy by myself, I ain't, I need you all, so I swept clean of my arogance and beg you knees down, apologise and turned back to you, I'm still there, alive, your friend, and you'll allways find me around supporting you no matter what happen in your lives.
I won't shy away to be who I am, and I won't be either overproud of myself, I'm still learning, and trying to be who I ought to be...
I won't shy away to stare at you girls too, cause I'm not going to do as if I was jealous, I love your looks too.
Out of the closet, I am just enjoying my new frame, my 6 pack, and all strong muscle...I wondered how could i have lived as a fat ass for so long, it's just so easy to be who i am now

But it's not over yet some of this revolution is still ongoing...some dust is left in the lcoset, some fat around the ass, some arrogance in my stares, some lazyness towards books...
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman....gimme more time

how do i seem

2007-11-17T16:19:00.000-06:00

I had planned to write something, but i'll leave it blank

just like the future, that holds no expectations, no plans and no goal, wtf , deliverance from....anyone, means no love, but nooooooooooooooooo i can't, so i'll keep on loving you, even though it hurts, and i cry:p
on the other hand i know it's making me happy too!:d

brainaches

2007-11-16T15:50:00.000-06:00

I feel like sharing new ideas, new creations, new hypothesis, I feel like testing any new material, but can't find no one to match my expectations, i want to go overboard and let it flow, but there is no one to pick up my lines, and i feel such a desert, i'm almost starving, it's like my ideas would get dry, stop the flow
I wish I could let it flow, but I'm gonna drown if it stays inside me, and I don't know how to let go
Maybe crying could help, I wish it could, but it's otherwise
I am feeling so much in pain
How can I deliver myself?

swirling stars

2007-11-12T16:45:00.000-06:00

swirling stars surrounding me
taking me down the milky valley of dreams
glittering rainbow drops of crystal water
singing in the sun above our plays

curling hair surrounding me
in the misty air turmoil of my path
shining eyes staring at our talks
may be there may be somewhere inner

Its as dark as the void of space
Its as deep as our thoughts
Its as pure as childish minds
Its as energetic as a supernovae
But from all ends come a new beginning
And swirl stars, cycle the wheel of life
til my dance strear my ideas clear.

Mexican mindset

2007-09-19T16:24:00.001-05:00

Somedays is the Mexican minset
It's Gold rush and tequilla
Blooming flower of joy under sunset
The rare rainbow and shower
Love Words spoken under pain
Isn't the silver line of whistle
Up isn't a vain stairway to heaven
Up is the cloudtear that can't fall
I think as a full fresh aloe
It's fertile and waterfull inside
But dry outside, as in a desert
Sorrow is under drought
Mere talks are not given
As silence is golden

the wave of life

2007-09-15T06:26:00.000-05:00

Frustrating, exhilarating, mind blowing
From anxious mind stuck to lightest happiness
My mood surfs the ocean broad life wave
Floating on top my eyes are lost
Overlooking earths finite dimension
I feel an illusion of power and eternity
It's as if I could swim hard for ever
I think the world as a blue coconut
Travelling the milky way to nowhere
Prisoner of tsunami's waterwall
My limits are back in a moodfall
But no liquid can prevent me
From jumping on H2O molecules
Looking for elementray particules
Finding nothing but flowing energy
As ever I'm wandering the sinuous path
Over the hills, down the sunny green valleys
Crossing clear or tempetuous torrents
Encountering nightgales or bears and wolves
If I got frightened I would never know
What's laying down there over the snowcap
So I won't stop by listening to tying witches
But who cares what's left undone?
Who will count my sins and victories?
Catch me if u can whistled the wind
But swinging, swimming, singing, dancing
Kept on going the gay junkie
Riding my way, the life's wave

old nightmare

2007-09-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like walking a long way with no limb
I feel like swinging my dreams in the wind
As sharp razor blades makes us less smily
As I can't feel something else but hopeless
Let my tears shower you

I feel like an old bird with broken wings
I feel like a sail without attached strings
As tepid blood rushed heartbeats in vain
As I am no longer that bitter youngster
Let my kiss shake you

About time

2007-08-27T14:36:00.001-05:00

Cherry blossoms petals dripping under a heavy rain
Ticking silently with my blushed rosy heartbeats
The endless flow of love in my gay spring vein
The shadow of a jealous crow could hinder
Our liquorous passion, though life's not vain
When rigorous action takes on bankers routine
Our weird pace tuned to sleep, commuting and labour
Leaves a glimpse of joy, escaping at the canteen
Reading subversive lines, writing sweet and sour
Charms about love that is our life safe harbour
O my soul mate whenever destiny cuts our count
The remaining days are simply more precious
Rare sips of life cup are meant to be delicious

Classic Painting

2007-08-22T16:09:00.001-05:00

There were silver flying daggers in the air
On the fields where flew locks of golden hair
Shiny under the proud sun king
Fainting as our bleed rivers whitened our pink fair
And dimmed the clean battelfield of our lord
Swords swinging, swans singing, heroes dancing
Sand's last drop falling and time stops
Hearts come to a halt in a drought
Painted for eternity to praise knights
Under the moonshell of angel like Venus

Loving you

2007-08-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

Loving you is the biggest mystery that ever happened to me
Loving you is the biggest joke that ever crack me up
Loving you is the most painfull ache when you' re gone
Loving you means living to me and much more
I may want to tell, but I can't tell what can't be descibed
I do love you, but the way I feel is too deep

July in Paris

2007-08-15T09:14:00.001-05:00

I miss....
It's summer, it's hot.
The sky is so blue and coconut white clouds are decorating the ceiling of Paris, as an open air museum, visited only by tourist, while most parisians are on holidays far away, but me. The most beautifull city in the world looks like a rejuvenated 18th century painting that lays on our castles walls, and i'm just trying to find an angel, but u're just too far.
miss u much these days! I don't know where you are, but far, and can't get in touch with you, so I miss u a lot, it makes feel like crying, but my tears are stuck in my throat, because though far you're allways somewhere near my heart and thoughts, so I wrote these lines to share a bit of the nice evening i had.
Sun set warms my heart and stretches my shadow as I walk along the Seine, as a siren my hair moves with the flow, as I swing along the concrete shore. Sitting on the hot floor I stare at these little grey fishes eating algae on the steps down my feets.The water is clear and smelling clean clothes, quiet but tourist barges create few waves sometimes.And I dream to be close to the sea, that might be an ocean.O i wanna swim!
I wandered along the Seine for some time as the sun set doesn't seem to end these days. The wonderfull magic of Paris is set in few colors:
- luxuriant green canopy of the falling branches on the Seine islands
- shy azur blue sky playing hide and seek with the clouds
- creamy chalky carved stones of the bridges reflecting the golden low sun
Slowly, an alarm rang my eyes, vibrant sun set flames on the scenary and serene Notre Dame cathedrale glowed , clouds took a cheek pink shade, and the sky above the flows started to glitter as fire just as dark blue veil started covereing the ceiling, as a night tent closing the show.

my world is green

2007-08-15T09:11:00.001-05:00

My world is green, maybe as green as spleen, though I promised to search for souls and ghosts over here. I could ask the trees spirits to give me that hope…green is not faith color any more, it’s far more intoxicating for the senses. I feel vertigo looking at the high canopy!

Does imagination lies beyond reality? Does my ideas of that vegetal reality hide something far more troubling?

I feel the same in the end, lost in the blue ocean of late summer days, or in the green ocean of trees blossoming leaves in the spring of nature

These intoxicated senses can’t let me sleep until I felt down exhausted…in a last try to get me started but nothing can let me know that I have to let go of myself………..not even those damned instincts!

Sure my hair flows in the wind like a barbarian, and my feet are dark of dust, but I can read and write…so?

I do prefer identification to nature in order to skip the human cultural identification. In the end I do get closer to my primary instaincts, and these bear no cultural sense

rainbow

2007-08-15T09:01:00.002-05:00

My soul is glittering like a rainbow
My mind filtered through the crystal of my thoughts
Each state of mind glitters its own shade

I am as shy and cute as red cheeks
I smell red roses til my nose bleeds
To make up my lips as my mind

I feel as loving and orange as the setting sun
Flames of life tilting me towards the humankind
Without candles but for diner, there are fruits

I feel pretty blond and as yellow as the bright midday sun
My eyes as green as emerald but blinded by light
My heart warmed til its melting point

I get lost in the infinite evergreen forest
Intoxicated by its poisonous taste
I feel wild instincts from the chlorophylle

I wanna dream in the cotton blue sky
It is as cold and cosy as the sparkles of ice
Floating on the melodious whales playground

I exhale seducing fantasy violet fragance
To cool down we run through lavenders
But my alien sky is deep purple.

Eastern memories

2007-08-15T08:59:00.000-05:00

I lost my dear love

In a black hole

Friendship is all I got

Draw the borderline

Walk the great wall

Travel in the middle empire

Write their sign ideas

On dried bamboo sheets

Lose yourself in green ocean

Encounter the Ying and Yang

Black and white as a panda

I am a dual little man

Strong woman in the wild

Perfume of jasmine

Pure taste of young tea

As sweet as silk

One can’t describe

My sweetness is my weakness

I hate to be liked

I only want your love

The Princess

2007-08-15T08:57:00.000-05:00

Her hair glitter like gold

Under bright rays of light

Her rose and iris fragrance

Exudes from Venice night

Her green bold sight

See through your mind

Her lips are rose petals

On a virgin moonlike face

When she dances freely

Explosion of harmony

But she is not yours

No one in her blind eyes

Nowhere but in her heart

Hidden behind black veils

Covered by gold jewels

She is tempting you

But far away from you

Elating you dreams

Eluding your wishes

From the sea all the fishes

Could not buy her dowry

the beach

2007-08-15T08:56:00.002-05:00

Since I met you I felt never lonely
You are the shining lamp
Guiding me through my dark journey
When i walk at night towards my cave
And the moon is shut off by clouds
We are both left alone on the shore
Of old traditions, stripped from heart
Stripped from hope and sick of life
We are stranded on the beach
Of a remote island after life crash
Whenever you're alone
Don't forget I'm here
Close to your heart
Though we may never see each oher
Though I'm not allowed where you roam
We are together in our dreams
On the beach we soak the sun
I'll never let you sink in the sea
As a marmaid you may see me
One day coming from the red sea
Don't be afraid
You'll never hurt me
And I'll never love you
Cause we are more...and no one will ever know