Inward

There are lots of outward stimulation, and I fail to be fully present. I slow down to pay attention to them, because most of my mind looks inward, feel what's very deep inside.
When food and sex fail, there's exercise, over-exercise until the breaking threshold. Past pain, there is pleasure, a big rush of dopamine in the brain.

I kept strong and respected my vows, locked target. Ignored pain, anxiety, felt empowered by loneliness, elated by surroundings.
A glimpse of glee was this flowing snake mirroring floating clouds in the dim late afternoon light.
I touched an angel and it showed me the reflection of fire, inspired by half bare trees onto the canal.

I feel extremely grateful and indebted to my brother for having taught me that pain is not to be avoided but embraced. Since I started indulging in painful experiences I hastened my learning pace and turned back the wheel of time. Rejuvenated, I feel a steel strong determination deep down, unstopppable.

But never forget that our love of pain is not an appeal for becoming a victim. Actually my way of overcoming past big wounds has been not only to forgive but also to win over those who inflicted sorrow onto me. Becoming better everyday has been the only way.